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We have to remember that this cultural moment is about far more than the despicable things R. Kelly has done, and we cannot allow others to use him or anyone else's more visible forms of misconduct in order to deflect from their own.

This essay contains discussions of r/pe and sexual violence against minors, sexual harassment, and domestic abuse. “Surviving R. Kelly” aired on Lifetime last week, in which women who were preyed on by R. Kelly spoke about the abuse they experienced and witnessed. Several celebrities also made appearances to criticize the singer and his abuses against girls and women. Among them were rapper Joe Budden, radio host Charlamagne Tha God, and music journalist Touré. These three men spoke with conviction about how appalled they were by the details of R. Kelly’s case, and I’m sure they were very convincing to viewers in their admonishment of him despite their own unsavory behavior. Not only has Charlamagne tweeted horrible “jokes” about R. Kelly and statutory rape in the past, but he has also admitted to drugging and date raping a woman and has another rape allegation against him from a woman who says he assaulted her when she was just 15 and he was 22. Joe Budden’s former girlfriend detailed how he physically abused her. Even though the charges were eventually dropped, the rapper did plead guilty to a disorderly conduct charge connected with the incident. Furthermore, graphic photos of his accuser’s bruises around her neck released by TMZ certainly provide evidence of violence. This week, Touré was publicly accused of aggressive sexual harassment by a makeup artist who used to work with him. She spoke up because she saw him in “Surviving R. Kelly” and commented on the irony of him appearing to discuss the singer’s sexual violence after having participated in sexual misconduct himself. She provided screenshots of his apology in a private message to her, which included “Please don't talk badly about me! I'm so ashamed to think of that happening.” Touré issued this response to the public accusation: “On the show, our team, including myself, engaged in edgy, crass banter, that at the time I did not think was offensive for our tight-knit group. I am sorry for my language and for making her feel uncomfortable in any way. As a lead on the show, I should have refrained from this behavior. I have learned and grown from this experience.” Knowing about the allegations against and confessions of Charlamagne and Joe Budden, and now learning about the disgusting behavior of Touré and his shitty apology, seeing them appear in the capacity they did in “Surviving R. Kelly” is dubious, to say the least. This unfortunate juxtaposition has helped me put words to something that has bothered me for over a year now. It starts with Aziz Ansari and the public responses to a woman's account of a "bad date" with the comedian from 2017, in which “Grace” detailed how he made her increasingly uncomfortable with his sexual advances towards her as the night progressed. It was certainly a polarizing moment, with some speaking up to say they had also experienced that kind of treatment on a date and others missing the point by excusing his behavior because they perceived his sexual aggression as normal.
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Instead of viewing Black Panther’s success as an opportunity to complain about something that is lacking in our communities, non-Black people of color should appreciate the work it took to create something of its caliber.

By Sanjana Lakshmi It’s been a few weeks since “Black Panther” came out, and its reception has been deservedly overwhelmingly positive. Ryan Coogler’s film is more than just another superhero movie: it is a blockbuster film that centers the experiences, cultures, and strength of Black folks in a way we have rarely, if ever, seen before. However, one particular response to the film by non-Black people of color has bothered me: the idea that we need to react by saying “where’s our Asian-American superhero movie,” or “where’s our Latinx superhero movie” (note that the latter doesn’t usually imply that they are looking for afro-latinx representation). All people of color deserve media representation, but this is not a constructive critique of ”Black Panther”; these concerns were rarely, if ever, raised during the decades of primarily white superhero movies. The fact that these questions are being posted in reaction to a successful Black superhero movie that is breaking the box office is no more than thinly veiled anti-Black racism. “Black Panther” was not simply handed to the Black community. Black folks fought for this movie. Media representation of the Black community has been historically stereotypical, if not offensive and racist, from caricatures to hyper-sexualization. Wakanda’s portrayal as a technologically advanced and successful African nation untouched by the devastation of colonialism and imperialism is groundbreaking in itself, and the movie’s depiction of Black women stands in contrast to the stereotypes that have been pervasive in our media. These long-awaited portrayals, and their positive reception, need to be celebrated. This is not the time for non-Black people of color to be saying, “what about us?” Black directors, producers, writers, and actors have been fighting for this kind of representation for decades. Black Panther’s success was not an easy feat. It is important to note, too, that there is an extraordinary amount of anti-Blackness in non-Black communities of color. In the South Asian American community, anti-Blackness comes in many forms: the billion-dollar skin-whitening industry, the attacks on African immigrants within the South Asian subcontinent, the model minority myth, and overt as well as subtle colorism. This only scratches the surface of entrenched racism within one non-Black community of color—all of this while Black communities have historically not only supported, but actively fought for the rights of non-Black people of color.
Related: THE BLACK FEMINIST ARGUMENT FOR ‘BLACK PANTHER’

What’s becoming clear as crystal is people are realizing just how many men would be behind bars if sexual assault and coercion were treated as the serious crimes they are.

One of the most disturbing things that emerged from the debate around “Grace” and Aziz Ansari’s date was how normalized coercive sexual encounters have been, especially with regard to women’s pleasure and safety. After a year of Trump’s regime, my capacity for shock has been whittled down, but during the Ansari brouhaha I found myself at peak stunned by all the people—and women in particular—who have accepted men’s sexually predatory behavior as a matter of course. Worse, they go to great lengths to defend this misogynistic paradigm. You know you live in a patriarchy when feminism is akin to a swear word. The case is made further when a simple fact like “coercion is not consent” becomes a divisive and controversial statement to both men and women. Color me flabbergasted. That is, until I took a couple steps back to analyze everything that the Ansari situation brought up. For me personally, I had to come to terms with the fact that more than half of my limited sexual encounters had in fact been non-consensual due to coercion or lies. It’s a horrible feeling to look back and realize that things were not what I thought they were. At all. And that I had considered those terrible encounters "simple" bad sex when they were far worse and even criminal encounters. It felt like being violated all over again, and I spent more than a few days sitting with my pain, grieving and acknowledging it, and trying to figure out how to put it all into place. Lili Loofbourow recently wrote in “The female price of male pleasure”: Research shows that 30 percent of women report pain during vaginal sex, 72 percent report pain during anal sex, and 'large proportions' don't tell their partners when sex hurts. … The studies on this are few. A casual survey of forums where people discuss 'bad sex' suggests that men tend to use the term to describe a passive partner or a boring experience. ... But when most women talk about 'bad sex,' they tend to mean coercion, or emotional discomfort or, even more commonly, physical pain. Debby Herbenick, a professor at the Indiana University School of Public Health, and one of the forces behind the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior, confirmed this. 'When it comes to 'good sex,'' she told me, 'women often mean without pain, men often mean they had orgasms.'” Loofbourow’s conclusions about how male sexual pleasure comes at the price of women’s pain would be chilling, except that every woman on this planet has been there at some point or another. Despite the frequency of these systemically entrenched behaviors and experiences, this isn’t something any of us openly talk about. At least until the Aziz Ansari situation.
Related: WHAT AZIZ ANSARI DID WAS COERCION, NOT CONSENT

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