Kiese and Tressie both wrote for, to, and about those of us who carry Blackness with us everywhere we go. The thin white woman beside me folds her legs all the way up and gathers her knees to her chest. Her elbow is in my way and it nearly pokes me. “I’m so tiny,” […]
Getting and Giving Head When You’re Disabled
by Eva Sweeney
Giving head. Getting a blowjob. Eating someone out. These are all euphemisms for oral sex, which can be a really fun aspect of getting down.
Many people view oral sex as foreplay to penetration. However, for people with disabilities — especially if penetration is not possible — oral sex can be the main event.
There’s not much information out there about giving or receiving oral sex when you have a physical disability. This article only scratches the surface, but hopefully it will prompt you to begin thinking outside the box.
Because gender is a spectrum, I will simply refer to people as those with penises and those with vaginas.
The first step to giving or receiving oral sex is to find a position that’s comfortable for both you and your partner. To receive, some people can use the well-known on-your-back, legs-spread position. However, there are lots of different positions if that one isn’t possible for your body.
For people with vaginas, standing up and leaning on your bed and having your partner come at you from behind might be a viable option. Alternatively, coming from behind and below while lying down on your side might work for people with tight hip muscles. This way, you don’t have to spread your legs at all.
For folks who have penises, sitting down to receive might give your partner easier access than if you were lying down. For giving head, sitting in a chair or your wheelchair and having your partner straddle you might also be easier.
Also, if you have spasms, it’s good to note where, and how, your body spasms when you are orgasming so you can pick a good position ahead of time.
You might have to ask your partner to help position their genitals for easy access. For example, they could hold their genitals up to your mouth. This may require more creativity, but that creativity can make things even more fun and exciting.
New positions are always fun to try, and you will discover more ways to please each other if you stay open to new ideas. Even if something doesn’t work, don’t let yourself get discouraged — it might spark an idea for something that does work and is awesome.
Everyone has different preferences when it comes to oral sex. Some people like more pressure when they receive; others like it more gentle. Some people enjoy head but it causes painful spasms. When giving, be aware of your energy levels so you do not tire yourself out trying to perform, or perfect, the act.
If you wear yourself out you might not enjoy the other aspects of the overall experience. On the other hand, you might be concerned that you could hurt a new partner if you are too forceful when giving, and therefore decide to hold back, or vice-versa. Just asking questions can easily alleviate those worries. Also, checking in during oral is vital. Even yes and no questions can tell you a lot.
Because penetration may not be possible for some people, oral sex becomes not just foreplay but the main sex act. That can make it more intimate than your partner using a vibrator on you. Therefore, it might be much easier for someone to achieve orgasm from oral sex than through other means.
Related: Four Reasons Period Sex is Awesome
At first, some people might not think oral sex is an option for them because of how their body works. However, creativity is the key to any good sex, and it’s even more important when you or your partner has a disability. Be open to trying different things and completely failing and being able to laugh about it. This shouldn’t ruin the mood — it can actually create more intimacy.
No one position or technique will work for everyone, or for everyone all the time. Don’t get discouraged if these suggestions don’t work for you or your partner. Have fun exploring and talking about each other’s bodies, and you will probably a way to enjoy oral sex together.