Kiese and Tressie both wrote for, to, and about those of us who carry Blackness with us everywhere we go. The thin white woman beside me folds her legs all the way up and gathers her knees to her chest. Her elbow is in my way and it nearly pokes me. “I’m so tiny,” […]
#NoPullOut Culture and the Myth of the Good Girl [WITH INFOGRAPHIC]
Let me get this out of the way early: Condoms are the actual worst.
No one likes how they feel, smell or the extra step it takes to stop what you’re doing and grab one. Yet, there was a time in the not so distant past where fear of HIV and/or babies meant that folks were adamant about wrapping it up. As treatment for HIV has turned it from a death sentence to a chronic disease, our collective amnesia about the importance of safe sex is at an all-time high. And now we head to twitter and peruse the #NoPullOut hashtag which reveals a startling number of dudes disinterested in keeping it neat (click that link for the all time best Kanye West groupie tale of all time) because a chick is so sexy or wifey-type. Dudes hella don’t want babies but stay busting in chicks without any regard for their birth control status (real spit).
Enter: The Myth of the Good Girl. Me and my closest homegirls are often described as “good girls” – Salt of the Earth type chicks. We’re educated, have our shit together, use $100 words, cover our asses in public and could be taken home to mama. We’re also all sex-positive, adult women who have no problem climbing into bed with whomever we want, if we want, and doing things you thought you’d only see on free porn sites. The time has long since passed of the “third date rule” or having some Mark Ass Mark (technical term) ask you your body count. Some of us are on birth control, some of us aren’t (because it is also the worst). We all get tested regularly- some of us have had STDs while some of us haven’t. We’re also aware that not all STDs kill you, and that most sexual active people have a few of them.
But a trend we’re all noticing is the diminishing frequency with which grown ass, educated, successful, well off dudes take a moment to ask “when’s the last time you got tested?” or “you’re on birth control, right?” before trying to slide in it raw. The men who are too focused on their career for a girlfriend tryin’ to deliver Boyfriend D* to your door step on the regular are clearly unaware of where babies come from.
GUYS. GUYS. “Good Girls” get STDs too, and most of our uteri function. My being a lady is in no way mutually exclusive of me having done so called “hoe shit”. We don’t buy into slut shamey culture. If we want to have sex with someone(s), we will-point blank. Words like “hoe” or “thot” have no bearing on women empowered in their sexuality and unbothered by your patriarchal notions of purity and femininity.
WITH THAT SAID, stop equating presentability with sexual proclivity. I know, I know, all dudes would like to imagine they are:
1. One of a few (or your first BWAHAHAHAHA, you need a time machine for that, bruh);
2. The best you’ve ever had;
3. Special for getting the drawls so soon.
And sometimes this is true, but it’s mostly not. Sometimes you get to smash because you have nice abs and a luxurious beard. Sometimes its because you’re really funny and that 3rd whiskey is hitting the system. Sometimes you’re kinda dumb but we’re horny and you drive. Sometimes we’re totally into you and want to marry you and have all the babies. But we also wish you’d do a better job of holding up the second half of this safe sex equation. There’s nothing better than a dude bringing his own protection or asking you if you have some before trying to “just the tip” it. The effort of asking how often someone is tested (and the results)**, or if they’re sufficiently arming their uterus to fend off invading sperm goes a long way in fostering trust in even the most casual of arrangements.
We have to do better. With great privilege (casual sex being more culturally acceptable, unlimited access to more sex via online dating) comes great responsibility. Let’s support each other to make healthier sexual choices, rather than making assumptions about people’s promiscuity based on some antiquated notion of women as only sexual beings if it’s for the pleasure of a man. Strive to wrap it up, get tested and be open and honest about your interest in becoming sexually exclusive with someone. Never forget, safe sex is the responsibility of both (all) partners involved. #DoBetter2015
*Boyfriend D is sex with a side of fuckshit like forehead kisses, spooning, good morning texts and all that other confusing stuff men can’t help but subjecting ladies to.
**To avoid misleading, it’s always best to get tested together.