After reading part one, you’ve hopefully found a local munch, joined fetlife or read some articles. Or they’re on your to-do list. Or you have no interest in exploring kink but you find this interesting. My last article focused on responsible ways to get into the lifestyle. There are irresponsible ways to get into kink, too; many, many irresponsible ways. I want you to be safe, happy and sexually fulfilled, so here is how NOT to get into kink. Stay safe out there, kinksters.
Related: How to Explore Kink Responsibly
1. Pop Culture
I discussed the lingering social stigma of BDSM practitioners in part one. I also mentioned how 50 Shades of Grey is garbage. I can’t think of an instance where BDSM has been represented well on a mainstream level, but I would love to hear from you if you know an example. On Amazon’s Transparent, Gaby Hoffman’s character goes on a date with a trans man. They go to his house and he immediately insists she call him “Daddy” and demands she drop her pants and shave her pubes. That is not a dynamic that starts on the first date; it’s something you negotiate and agree upon first. It pissed me off because it’s irresponsible and inaccurate. Don’t learn about BDSM from TV and movies. Learn about it from books and blogs and friends and munches.
Related: 50 Shades of Fucked Up
I think I’ve gotten the point across that kink is an intense practice and not something to enter into lightly. I don’t mean to scare you, because it’s not scary (unless you’re into fear play); it’s really fun. But you should do a little research first. Read about the different types of kink (check out the resources in part one) and decide what you’re into and what you’re not. Things you’re not into are referred to as “hard limits” and things you are curious but unsure about are referred to as “soft limits.” “Safe words” allow you to tell your partner to slow down or stop. There are many checklists online (here are a few). Any responsible play partner who cares about your boundaries and safety will respect your desire for a checklist. Any play partner who insists a checklist is not necessary is not someone you should play with.
3. On a first date
Playing with someone takes trust, communication and negotiation. Anyone who proposes beating you up on a first date is probably not a safe person. It takes time to negotiate limits and desires, and you should stay away from anyone who pressures you. As always, trust your instincts. If it doesn’t feel right, it’s not right. You should always meet up with a potential play partner in person at a public place first. Do not get your kink on at the first meeting; get your talk on. Experienced kinksters can usually be vetted by the kink community. On a first play date, make sure someone knows where you are, and schedule a phone or text check-in with a trusted friend.
4. When you don’t want to
Like any sexual act, you don’t want to be pressured. I can’t stress this point enough: Trust your instincts: if something doesn’t feel right, don’t play. Consent is always on the table, meaning you can revoke it at any point, even if you are naked and tied up. A partner who pressures you or gets mad at you if you change your mind is not a good partner. Consent is a crucial part of BDSM, and you should only be playing if you truly want to. Don’t have kinky sex to make your partner happy. Don’t have kinky sex because you feel like everyone else is. Don’t have kinky sex because you promised you would and you feel bad changing your mind. Explore kink because YOU want to.
5. When you’re super intoxicated
Most seasoned kinksters advise against any sort of inebriation when playing. I don’t agree completely: one drink or a couple hits of weed is what some people need to relax and prepare. But I definitely agree that you shouldn’t be wasted. Engaging in impact play, pain play, and/or blood play is risky by itself. When done responsibly by experienced and willing players, it is incredibly satisfying. If you’re drunk, you risk serious injury and even death. Yes, kinky sex is a blast, but it not worth dying for. So please don’t fuck when you’re fucked up.