Kiese and Tressie both wrote for, to, and about those of us who carry Blackness with us everywhere we go. The thin white woman beside me folds her legs all the way up and gathers her knees to her chest. Her elbow is in my way and it nearly pokes me. “I’m so tiny,” […]
Redditors Slam Single Dad Who Talked Mom Out of Abortion But Is Tired of Single Parenting
The site dubbed “The Front Page of the Internet,” Reddit, recently came through for abortion rights and the rights of a certain “deadbeat mom.”
Reddit has a reputation for being anti-woman, a characterization which is not wholly accurate. While it does serve as home for plenty of fedora (correction: triby)-tipping mens’ rights advocates, the site is also home to body-positive, queer and feminist discussions.
An anonymous poster recently asked for advice in the r/Legal Advice forum. To sum it up, after a casual hookup, a woman became pregnant. She wanted to have an abortion, but the man who got her pregnant (and who posted on reddit) insisted she carry the pregnancy to term. She had the child under the condition that she would have nothing to do with the parenting or be part of the child’s life. In fact, she describes herself as “an egg donor, not a mother,” yet she pays 125 percent of court ordered child support. That’s right — she’s paying more than the court ordered her to pay.
Here’s what he wrote:
“We weren’t in a serious relationship when she got pregnant. She has never met our son. Even after the birth she had no desire to see him. We went to court to figure custody and support could be figured out and I have 100 percent full legal and physical custody. Her name is on the birth certificate but she has no custody and no right to visitation or to make things like medical or education decisions. She didn’t want any of that. Every month she pays 125 percent of the court-ordered child support. She says that if I ever marry someone who wants to adopt him she will agree but until then she’ll pay support. It’s been this way since our son was born.
I’m raising our son all on my own. He is 18 months old now and he has never met her and I don’t even have any photos of her even. I am burned out and hate being a single parent. I love my son but I resent him. My family tries to help when they can but I do it most of the time. I would never hurt or neglect him but I am exhausted all the time. I tried to go to court to give her split custody but because she wanted an abortion and I didn’t and she made it clear she would never be involved after the birth, and because we went to court when he was 6 months old but because we already went after he was born and agreed on things and now she pays more support than is court ordered the judge said he can’t force her to look after him. I haven’t seen her in almost a year and the last I heard she has a tummy tuck and laser stretch marks treatment and is working at a gym. She also told her friends and family she is an egg donor and not a mother. She is a deadbeat mom and the court won’t do anything and is forcing me to struggle as a single parent. Do I have any legal remedies here?”
He’s upset because being a single parent is tough and he wants help from the woman who laid out these terms clearly and is more than covering her portion of child support. He’s tried to take her to court to force custody upon her, characterizing the “egg donor” as a “deadbeat mom.”
This “deadbeat mom” pays more than the court requires, and went along with carrying the pregnancy to term in order to appease the father, who coerced her into doing something that she did not want to do with her body. Her only caveat was that she was completely done after that.
“Deadbeat Mom?” Redditors are letting this guy know what’s up.
“Your legal power against her is restricted to making her pay child support, which she does. You can’t force her to actually parent. You can look into adoption, if parenthood is not right for you,” one said.
“Any legal remedies for what? She is not a deadbeat. Deadbeats don’t pay 125 percent of child support,” another wrote.
“No, she’s not a deadbeat. You’re an asshole who manipulated a woman into having a fucking BABY she didn’t want,” one person responded.
“I’d say she’s a good mom,” wrote another redditor. “She was clear what her terms were for having the child that she didn’t want. You agreed to those terms. She’s paying child support and by what you’re saying, she is paying more than she has to. Out of the two of you, she is the one who has the kid’s best interests at heart. You either need to do your part like you agreed on or give the kid up for adoption and put all three of you out of your misery. Because she wanted to abort the child, only kept it because of your insistence and is doing the share of the work that was agreed on, I really don’t think that you have a leg to stand on, legally speaking. I’m sorry that you’re not finding parenthood to be the fairytale dreamland that you thought it would be, but it was your choice and you have to live with it.”
“In her situation, I would have done the same thing. This is your choice. Deal with it,” yet another said.
And… the mother of all TKO’s in this thread… we present rand0mip:
“She is a deadbeat mom and the court won’t do anything.”
No, she has complied with the court ordered monetary support requirements.
That is all she is required to do, ever.
She is not at all a “deadbeat” — the only problem here is that you want to shirk your responsibility as a single parent and dump the work on someone else because of one or all of these things:
- You’re too cheap to hire a nanny, and want the court to order her to be your free slave instead.
- You are abusive and want power over her because she escaped you, and you have an abusive mentality and can’t stand that your plan to control her failed.
- You’re too selfish to accept that you are not parent material and simply arrange an adoption to a qualified parent or parents who can do the job they sign up for, unlike you.
“She wanted an abortion and I didn’t and she made it clear she would never be involved after the birth.”
If you did not want to be an exhausted, cranky single parent, then you should have simply said “Yeah, abortion! Awesome! Best idea ever!” and then promptly driven her to the clinic, put your money on the counter and supported her for the few days after that.
Then none of the three of you would be living this nightmare that you created.
You are the one that manipulated her into “coerced birth.” So this was your doing.
If your life is a nightmare, it is 100 percent your choice of a nightmare.
You manipulated someone into having a child they did not want for you, into spending 9 months of their life incubating that child, into damaging their own health — for your desire to have a child.
You did a selfish and cruel thing to her, and to the child.
Then on top of everything, you assumed that “magical fairy bonding” would happen and that you would go on to have her also raise the child for you while you did nothing of the parenting duties you so clearly hate, plus be your wife, and be a mother to a child she wanted to abort?!?!
Dude, seriously. You are living in cloud cuckoo land.
Of course she hates your guts. Of course she wants nothing to do with the child.
She didn’t want the child, and she sure as hell has proven that she wants nothing to do with the person who manipulated her into childbirth.
And you want the court to further coerce her — because why?? Oh, yeah, because parenthood is a grueling, exhausting, mundane, repetitive, 24/7/18 non-fucking-stop job?? Sorry, but that’s what you sign up for as a parent.
If you can’t hack it, then your option is to find a nice adoptive parent and sign over your rights. She most likely will be willing to agree to this as well, from the sound of it.
Then you get to walk away from the child and go back to your carefree life. Just do everyone a favor, however, get a vasectomy immediately because you’re not qualified to be a parent or a good partner.
You are the only deadbeat in this story. You wanted a child with none of the work. It doesn’t work like that.”
Slow clap all around for this. It’s a pleasure to see Reddit come together to roast this guy. For more, check out the original Reddit thread.