Fabul-ASS November Birthday in 9 Steps
Do you ever think about your birthday as a time to dedicate to yourself? A time to worship yourself as the goddess you are? This November, consider worshipping a more specific part of you. Just like Meghan Trainer says, be “all about that bass” this year in OAKLAND!
1. Spend 2 hours kicking your own Ass Circus style!
I’ve been going to Athletic Playground in Emeryville for over 2 years now.
(Trial membership was a birthday gift) I love it! I have watched my ass go from a normal ass to being a shelf, when taking lots of Monkey Conditioning classes, and then watched it go back to a normal ass as I went to less.
My focus has been Aerial Silks classes and the goal before 30 is to perform somewhere!
Other Circus Style ass beatings can be found at Kinetic Arts and Trapeze Arts.
2. Get punched in the Shins (for cheap)
Get a massage at The Foot Spa and Tea Bar on Grand Avenue
Here is the experience in a nutshell: tea! uncomfortable bent over massage! very nice foot massage! Half-hour full body massage! Lime water! Goodbye!
It is a bit of an assembly line of massages though it is great for people who are not comfortable taking off their clothes, and hey, for $39 for 75 minutes of massage and aromatherapy on Groupon, this sucker loosened me up.
If you go in early, ask what kind of tea that is. It was damn good.
3. Get a Pre-dinner snack:
I recommend an oatmeal raisin cookie or rugala at The Grand Bakery. They will look nice added to your ass
4. Pass-up the Ass-Death Cafe
Café Modigliani on Grand is rumored to have awesome sandwiches and I was excited by the presence of an Italian name, but I was confused when walking by about what they were doing. A sandwich place open till 8 with ass-death metal stools? There were no pastries or cookies. It was empty at around 5 PM. I want to go back and tell them to put a back on the stools and some cushions. Then people will come. Or get a u-shaped couch in place of those horrible things. No one wants to sit there facing the walls like they are punished. And where are the cannolis?
5. Go to Piedmont Ave for a comfy work spot\writing spot.
6. Browse books:
Get yourself to Book Zoo and get an obscure chapbook for $2.
7. Have a late night dinner:
On my Bday I need to have gnocchi. Wood Tavern was my destination. And gnocchi I had. And bread. And creamy cheese with apple. And fried brussel sprouts, a dirty Hangar 1 vodka martini and a passionfruit-coconut pie. I would say leave out the martini. It didn’t go with anything. But that was my stubborn choice. The meal was AMAZING! Italian dishes that rock are hard to come by in the bay.
8. Forgo plans to go to Somar and dance due to the fear that moving too much will result in vomit.
9. Take your stuffed ass home.
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