There’s no question, dudes without style is like, a serious pandemic that’s plaguing the nation. This drought isn’t just leaving us thirsty for water but for some. Fine. A**. Men.
It all started circa 1999.
Sagging pants became socially acceptable amongst a variety of different ethnic groups and social classes. It was also around this time oversized t-shirts and jerseys became a thing. Jump ahead a little to circa 2010. We’ve experienced a leap in the completely opposite direction. Skinny jeans became a thing. Way too skinny jeans. This also segued into sagging skinny jeans. With chunky sneakers. Because… Contrast? I really don’t know why. Cut to present day and we’re seeing a bit more effort but it’s still not enough!
This is why I’m here. This is for all of you out there who know or (sadly) are one of those dudes who:
A.) Wears gym shorts on a regular basis (and doesn’t regularly go to the gym)
B.) Puts on a button up to go to the club and DOESNT TUCK IT IN (it’s trashy. And I see you trying to pair it with copious amounts of man jewelry. STOP.)
C.) Has more t-shirts than he truly knows what to do with that are all various shades of the same bulls*** (with some “novelty” tees thrown in for fun -___-)
D.) All of the above.
Worry not future baes of the world. I’ve got your back. And for all of you ladies out there trying to revamp your man’s steeze, listen up.
Here are 5 tips to bring your style from THOT city to the Bae Area.
Find a style of pant that suits you and stick to it.
Most guys already follow this rule. We’re creatures of habit. I’ve perpetually worn the same pair of jeans for two months straight. Partially because I’m poor and can’t always afford to do laundry, but also because I’m just plain lazy and I like the way they feel and look all the time, every time. But if you’re going to pick a style, please pick wisely. There’s three aspects to consider when choosing the right pant: tightness, pocket size and how it sits on your waist. Skinnies are a personal favorite and luckily, most designers have come a long way from the early 2000s and found a happy medium for those looking for something on the leaner side that’s not skin tight. If you want something a little more relaxed, try a straight cut. This is a good transitional note for all of you former-saggers out there. (I see you out there, on West and 30th, and you need to stop.) As for pockets, most guys don’t seem to take this into consideration but… Your butt needs to look good in jeans too. And when you have pockets that are bigger than your buttocks, there’s a serious problem. You want pockets that are going to accentuate the back side but not necessarily make it look better than your girlfriend’s (or hey, if that’s what you’re into, be my guest. You won’t hear any complaints from me.) And where your pants sit on your waist is essential to giving your body the right proportions. If you have a smaller torso, maybe low rise jeans could help lengthen you. And don’t be afraid to play around with placement. Higherwaisted pants don’t only look hip as f***, but suck you in, and can often create the illusion of being thinner. GO FIGURE. Plus they won’t fall below your coin slot when you’re biking around the Lake for all the Town to see. #BLESS
Button up your damn shirt. ALL THE WAY, YES.
I don’t see why this is such a foreign concept to most guys nowadays, but just in case you were wondering, it’s no longer ok to do the whole DiCaprio thing and just stroll in, 4 buttons down at a formal occasion… Or anywhere for that matter. Unless maybe you’re on vacation or at a beach wedding and even then I’d prefer it if you didn’t. Buttoning up that last top notch, the one that brings that collar together to create the perfect focal point on your body, is probably the single most adorable and sure fire way to get you noticed by any gender/sexual orientation. Hands down. Guys who button it all the way up are sexy. It’s a fact. And if you have a button up buttoned all the way up, AND it’s a short sleeve. JUST TELL ME WHERE TO SIGN THE PRENUP. We’ll have a beautiful ceremony in Leyona Valley Park in Montclair, there will be woodlen creatures galore and my amazingly stylish groom adorned in his white short sleeve button up and suspenders waiting to spend the rest of his life with me. *sigh* If only….
If you’re going to grow a beard, grow a proper one; this isn’t freshman year at Chico State anymore, it’s time to grow up.
We all remember those first few years of post adolescence when our first little bits of stubble started to come in fuller, and super patchy no less, and we let that s*** ride until it grew out as far as we’d ever gotten it and were super stoked about it. This is what separates you from (well, most) women after all. And for some of you it possibly grew into a magnificently landscaped specimen of a beard… And, for some of you…. It sort of never quite had that effect on…..anyone. But that’s ok! I’ve since learned, growing beards isn’t always that easy for everyone. It takes genuine thought and care to help start and maintain a proper beard. So do me a favor (before next Movember, please): stop using that sh***y white shaving cream and that one blade razor and trade them in for a proper grooming kit with a 3 blade razor, some clippers for touch ups, a good conditioner and some coconut oil.
Maintaining your facial hair also means maintaining the rest of your do; so do it and us a favor by keeping the hair at the nape of your neck and around your ears and face tapered and shaped. Also, ditch the cream and stick with something more practical. Using conditioner in place of shaving cream can reduce sensitivity by almost 70%. The coconut oil is optional but it promotes healthy hair growth and it’s got loads of vitamins for your skin as well.
Invest in good shoes.
Now, here’s what I mean by this: invest in QUALITY shoes that will take you through several types of occasions. This doesn’t mean go out and spend $300 on a pair of limited edition Wolf Gray Jordan’s. (Though I understand the draw, and see the legitimacy in the quality and recognize the sneaker community as a whole, I just don’t believe they’re an all-day-every-day kind of shoe for a stylish gentleman. Not ALL the time anyway.) A shoe that you’ll wear all the time needs to be classic, it needs to be neutral and it needs to be comfortable more than anything. Two styles of shoe that are greatly under utilized in the modern man’s closet are loafers and boots.
I’m not necessarily talking shiny black-tie affair loafers either, I’m talking maybe some old, slightly worn in loafers from Thrift Town or an old relative maybe, that have a little soul (pun intended) to them and add a sense of effortlessness and timelessness to an outfit. A good neutral tone to have these in if you’re not digging black or brown is a nice deep burgundy. The color goes perfectly with basic blue jeans and can really add something smart to the look as a whole. Finding a good boot gives that same sense of ease. It’s very James Dean. Finding a good black boot can take an outfit from a**hole to badass in 2.5.
So I hope that helped some of you out there! Be you style savvy dudes or girls who know some guys who need a clue, I can only leave you with this knowledge; the rest is up to you. Now go forth, prosper, and don’t forget to thank me in your wedding speeches. You’re welcome.