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15 Other Things That Mike Bloomberg Has (Probably) Lied About

Do you know what is worse than a billionaire? A lying-ass billionaire like Mike Bloomberg.

I don’t like billionaires.

This is mainly because there’s no real way to be a billionaire without some form of exploitation, but also, you know, because of the hoarding. But you know what I hate more than a billionaire? A lying-ass billionaire.

Which is exactly what Michael “Mike” Bloomberg is.

And the media and financial mogul recently demonstrated this by straight-up lying about being questioned about the controversial “Stop and Frisk” law back in December 2019. He lied again yesterday about “taking too long” to understand the vile impact of the law when he was caught on tape saying the opposite.

So, to illustrate that Bloomberg has a lying problem, I have compiled a list of other things he has also [probably] lied about:

1. The Stop and Frisk Law

As addressed above, Bloomberg has been caught twice now lying about this putrid law (that targeted Black and Brown denizens) he oversaw while he was mayor of New York City. The worst part of these lies and the limp apology he had to offer is that he was caught on tape, in 2015, defending the law by saying that to fix crime problems in these neighborhoods, you have to “throw them up against the walls and frisk them”. It’s clear that he wanted Black and brown people to be fearful in their own neighborhoods, but the blatant lies about this (and his lack of action in fixing this) is probably the icing on the cake.

2. About Being “Cool”

Recently, it was revealed that Bloomberg has been deploying a rag-tag group of social media “micro-influencers” to sanitize his record and make him seem like the coolest candidate running. Coolest white man alive. But according to my records, in the history of cool dudes, cool cats, and cool niggas, there’s not a singular white man alive (or dead) that I would consider cool. Unless we’re talking Mr. Rogers…and possibly Bill Nye.

3. Where Babies Come From

I don’t know who started this stork shit, particularly when Costco and Sam’s Club are right there, but I’m sure it was him.

4. Santa

Think about it. The whole concept of this mysterious holiday entity is about an old white man who runs through everybody’s house like the tomb raider, who just decides to leave presents around out of “the kindness of his heart” or coal if he happens to think you’re a dickhead (I would like to see the criteria for this), and who “sees me while [I’m] sleeping” and “knows when [I’m] awake (which is a clear endorsement of the strengthening surveillance state). And you expect me to believe that this incredibly detailed fable was not invented by a rich white man like Mike Bloomberg? Girl!

5. Who Shot First

Did Han Solo shoot first? Or did Greedo shoot first? I have no fucking clue (It was Han), but I’m pretty sure Bloomberg started this whole thing (particularly ahead of that 2004 DVD release) to distract you from his nefarious Stop-and-Frisk plans for the state.

6. Ghost Brooms

A couple of days ago, it was rumored on Twitter that one particular day was a good day to have gravity hold up your broom. And I just wanna say…while you were standing up brooms (in your house), Bloomberg is standing up for your doom! Think about it.

Recommended: I’M NOT HERE FOR YOUR PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES

7. The End of Blade Runner

I’m like 99.9% that Rick Deckard wasn’t a replicant, based on, you know, the original film. However, the Director’s Cut throws—as well as Ridley Scott’s own comments—a heaping pile of doubt on all that shit. And I suspect something like this to be right up Bloomberg’s lying ass alley.

8. The End of Inception

Did Cobb and Saito make it out of limbo? Was Cobb’s totem ever gonna stop spinning? Is Cobb dreaming at the film’s conclusion? We don’t know. Why? Because Bloomberg refuses to tell us.

9. The End of The Dark Knight Rises

Honestly, there’s absolutely no way that Bruce Wayne could have survived that explosion, but Bloomberg wants you to think so because of his billionaire agenda.

10. Pretty Much The Endings of All Christopher Nolan Movies

See above.

11. The Clone of One Avril Lavigne

I can’t even really explain this, but I know he has something to do with it.

12. The Fate of The Soprano’s Real Series Finale

This just seems like an extremely petty thing he would do.

13. The Curious Case of the Missing Noses of All These Sphinxs and Statues

Who else would have the kind of money I assume it would require to not only knock all of these negro noses off of these ancient Egyptian statues, but also hide them so that they are never discovered?!

14. The Whereabouts of Alicia Keys’ Vocal Range

Everyone thinks Mashonda got Keys’ voice in the divorce or that the ancestors claimed them, but what if I told you that it really went to…Bloomberg?

15. The Longstanding “Black Men Don’t Cheat” Rumor

I have no doubt in my mind that Bloomberg started this enduring fabrication as something to leverage (for good) if he were ever to be (inevitably) exposed for his Stop-and-Frisk policies.

With contributions by Sherronda J. Brown 

Clarkisha Kent is a Nigerian-American writer, culture critic, former columnist, and up and coming author. Committed to telling inclusive stories via unique viewpoints from nigh-infancy, she is fascinated with using storytelling and cultural criticism not as a way to “overcome” or “transcend” her unique identities (as a fat and queer Black African woman), but as a way to explore them, celebrate them, affirm them, and most importantly, normalize them and make the world safe enough for people who share them to exist. As a University of Chicago graduate with a B.A. in Cinema and Media Studies and English, she brings with her over five years of pop culture analysis experience, four years of film theory training, and a healthy appetite for change. Her writing has been featured in outlets like Entertainment Weekly, Essence, The Root, BET, HuffPost, Wear Your Voice Magazine, and more. She is also the creator of #TheKentTest, a media litmus test designed to evaluate the quality of representation that exists for women of color in film and other media. Currently, Kent is working on finishing a novel about a Black female outlaw and a TV comedy pilot about an immortal familiar.

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