Valentine’s Day is here! It is a complicated holiday with capitalist, corporate, depressing tones, both over and under. Last year I gave you a queer gift guide and a queer date guide. There is a selfie of me and my now-ex in the date guide, but that is okay, because life is full of changes and breakups and that sweet photo makes me smile and actually not feel weird. I am growing!!! I am full of exclamation points!!! I am feeling very gay!!! Perhaps you are, too, so here are ways to celebrate your gayness on this garbage holiday. I will be in San Diego with my new girlfriend, but I am not posting a selfie of us, because she is shy, and maybe we will break up too and how many Valentine’s articles with pictures of me and my exes do I really need on the internet, amirite ladies?
- Be yourself
If you’re gay, then just being yourself is one of the gayest things you can do. Great job, you’re killin’ it! If you are an ally, that is also pretty gay, and you are also killin’ it. Great job to you, too!
- Have hot queer sex
Since being a homo is a sexual orientation, have some gay dirty sex, and you will be an A+ gay person!
- Have hot queer masturbation!
Don’t have someone to fuck on V-Day? Don’t worry, you can still be gay. Have sex with yourself while having big gay fantasies in your head!
- Go see a gay play or movie or comedy show or art opening.
Check your local listings to support queer art! A lot of artists are gay (a lot are straight too but shh, we don’t care about them right now), go support them! Art is almost as gay as you are!
- Make art!
Remember how I said a lot of artists are gay, waaayyyy back in option 4? Oh, good, you were paying attention! Make your own art, by writing or drawing or painting or collaging or performing or joking or whatever it is that makes your sweet gay heart sing.
- Eat a peach!
If you are of the lady-loving-lady variety.
- Eat a banana!
If you are of the dude-loving-dude variety.
- Eat a banana and a peach!
If you are of the pansexual/bisexual/queer/poly/etc. variety. Or just eat any fruit, because gays are fruits. Get it? You get it!
- Take a nap!
Being gay is very, very tiring and you need your rest. You are probably tired from all the art and fruit-eating and fucking. You deserve a break!
- Don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day!
We queers are subversive and different and rebellious and anti-establishment and cool and stuff. So don’t celebrate at all! Stay in and watch “Inappropriate Behavior,” a badass film written by and starring bisexual POC artist Desiree Akhavan. Eat dagger-shaped gummies instead of chocolate hearts. Don’t spend money. Don’t say “I love you” to anyone except your dog. Adopt a dog. Kiss a cat. Drink some coffee. Punch a pillow. Wear your favorite undies. Read a poem. Go spelunking. Organize your sock drawer. February 14th is not different from any Sunday, so do whatever the hell you want, you beautiful, lovely, incomparable gay soul, you!