Valentine’s Day is almost upon us, and I write queer articles, so I am obligated to write you a queer gift guide. Here are some things you can get your sweetheart for Valentine’s Day, queers! Enjoy!
Liberator Heart Wedge Positioning Pillow, $65 at Good Vibrations
Ok, so this is sold out at the online Good Vibes, but who cares because you need it by Saturday anyway. Drag your ass into a local Good Vibes store and get this pillow. The picture above is not of the heart-shaped one, click here to check that one out. If you’re confused what it is for, I’ll spell it out for you: you put this pillow under your butt when someone is going down on you. It’s apparently also great for deeper penetration and/or G-spot stimulation. I don’t own one, but I have a friend who raves about it. And it’s a sex toy shaped like a heart: if you give this as a gift, you win at Valentine’s Day. (But also, just get them anything from Good Vibes anytime, always, and you win).
Good old-fashioned homemade coupon book, free
Call me a hopeless romantic, call me broke, but I think homemade coupon books are adorable. Yes, they’re a sitcom cliche, but that doesn’t mean you have to feel ashamed. A lot of sitcoms are awesome. Make cute little coupons for favors you can give your love. You can keep it sweet and helpful, like running errands for them or walking their dog. You can make it sexy, like a coupon for three orgasms in a row or a coupon for that-thing-they’ve-always-wanted-to-try-in-bed-but-you’ve-been-a-little-hesitant-and-now-you’re-ready-to-try-it-because-you-love-them-so-much. You can print out snazzy, fancy ones or make your own with glitter and stickers and other hella gay arts and crafts things. Just be sure you’re prepared to make good on your coupons. Those things are legally binding.
Just get them whatever they like, you know them better than me.
Is your partner a writer? Boom, get a fancy journal decorated with things they like. Is your partner a lover of books? Boom, get some books or a gift certificate to a bookstore. Is your partner a hiker? Boom, get new boots or a backpack or whatever it is healthy, active people need/use. You get the idea. You love this person, or you love having sex with them but you don’t know if you love them yet, but you whatever them enough to give them something on Valentine’s Day, so you have some idea what they like. Ask for hints or suggestions. What do they need, what do they like, you know, Gift Giving 101. Stop overthinking this, you got it.
Don’t give a gift, free
Don’t give into this corporate-invented holiday and feel pressured to give your significant other something. It’s just another day, you don’t have to celebrate. Do whatever you want, just make sure you and your sweetie discuss whether you care about this day or not first. You don’t want to assume you’re not doing anything and then be surprised with a super thoughtful and romantic gift on the 14th. You don’t want to be that asshole on Valentine’s Day.