In my younger years I wore whatever the fuck I wanted, for the most part. Unconcerned with whether or not an outfit was appropriate for the setting or palatable to others, I chose garments that declared, “Today’s my day for no good reason!”, and I would oblige, because that’s what you do with declaring garments.

Don’t get me wrong — I still appreciate and abide by the whispers of the fashion gods. But I’ve definitely toned it down a bit, and somehow in my recalibration, I lost a bit of my whimsy to wear unexpected vintage. Here are a few floor-length dresses currently at Pretty Penny that deserve an occasion created specially for them.


Spring Green Accordion-Pleated Gown $34


Holy shit – if you were to wear this dress to prom in footloose, heads would explode. This dress begs for a wrist corsage, and feathered hair, but aside from prom in a no-can-dance-for-Jesus town, I’m at a bit of a loss for events that call for this sherbet green marvel, but who cares?! Wear it on a Monday morning, if you like — just ‘cause you can.


These accordion pleats will float you through any situation with an uplifting breath of inspiration. The dress says, “I’m going to prom with an 80s icon metal pole swinging barn dancer. What?!”


Okay, I’ve got it. Here’s where you should wear it — your next first date. It’s a perfect way to gauge your date’s sense of humor and conversational abilities. And if s/he can roll with your fancy, fuck-the-bible-thumpers—I’ll-dance-if-I-want-to dress, you’ll know they’re a keeper.


Long-sleeved Belted Polyester Print Dress With Neck Ruffle $42


This dress will dub you the queen of polyester, and why shouldn’t you be? Who else in your vicinity is rocking a cornucopia meets Yellow Submarine meets etch-a-sketch sunrise print, belted dress with ruffles?


Now if you do spot someone wearing said print in your vicinity, go introduce yourself, for Pete’s sake! It’s pretty clear you’re supposed to conspire with them about God knows what — global mood ring distribution or something.


Not just any adventure calls for a floor-length dress, but you’ll work it out. A house party or a cool bar full of vintage-esque folks is probably your best bet for this retro getup — anyplace where you can sit and stand intermittently, so as to avoid the synthetic-fiber-on-skin-ass-cheek-itch.


Sleeveless Innocent Floral Print Chiffon Dress $38


This darling dress may seem an impractical choice for standing in a field of amber waves of grain, but you’re gonna have to suck it up and take it, cause this dress wants to be worn at your next impromptu photo shoot. Sweet chiffon flowing gently against your legs, thin braids crowning your long, slightly mussed hair… somehow, there’s a ‘Little House On The Prairie’ style horse-drawn wagon in the background, propped, horse-less on the ground… a shawl drips off your shoulders, and a soft-glow hints at the golden light you spew.


You just think you’re so fancy and innocent out there in your glorious pasture, posing like a goddess of yesteryears. Well, you’re close — you’re a goddess of the moment, who can and will wear whatever whenever she damn well pleases.