by Sam Finch
OAKLAND, CA — Residents are profoundly underwhelmed today after local, Tyler May, announced their nonbinary gender identity. After what was expected to be the literal end of times, residents say they were shocked to find that the event has had little or no impact on their daily lives.
“I said over and over again that acknowledging more than two genders would signal the apocalypse,” a local cisgender man explained. “But then nothing happened. Literally. Nothing.”
“Frankly, I’m exhausted,” another resident added. “While I’m glad that the Earth’s surface hasn’t been consumed by flames, this pronoun thing is going to take all the strength I have left.”
Many locals speculated that by in any way challenging the gender binary, it would spontaneously combust, resulting in widespread fires and a complete breakdown of the social order.
But to the surprise of residents, some are beginning to speculate that someone’s gender is actually nobody else’s business, and that when identities are mutually respected, the lives of residents actually drastically improve.
“This might sound wild,” one resident said, struggling to grasp the words coming out of his mouth. “It’s almost like … if we treat others the way we want to be treated, things are … better?”
Related: Why I Don’t Use “They/Them”
Still, some residents are disappointed, seeming to prefer conflict.
“I’m a real transgender, a transgender man,” one resident explained proudly. “I don’t believe in this nonbinary thing. I think it’s just a ploy for attention. I’ve talked about this at length on my blog, YouTube channel, Snapchat, Twitter and Tumblr!”
Pulling the microphone closer to him and smiling, he added, “Is this being broadcast? Is this going to be online?”
Other transgender residents felt similarly. “I find it insulting that they can just identify with a gender they weren’t assigned,” a transgender woman explained. “Like, who do you think you are?”
“It’s almost like someone’s gender has no bearing on my life,” another cis resident complained. “Since when?”
Cisgender and transgender residents alike agreed that they had hoped for more chaos or at least something to livetweet about.
“Tyler tweeted that they were nonbinary,” a cisgender resident recalled with horror. “And then everything stayed the same. No pyrotechnics, no street fighting, nothing.”
With tears streaming down his face, a cis man quietly explained, “They said who they were, and nothing happened to me.”
“Naturally, I started to wonder about their genitals, how they have sex, what bathroom they go in,” a cis woman explained. “But then my therapist told me I was being inappropriate.”
Pulling a pocket mirror out of her purse and gazing into it, she whispered, “Am I … a creep?”
Perhaps the most devastating part of this experience was the introspection that transpired after Tyler May explained their identity. Many residents were visibly distressed after reconsidering the idea that two genders could really encompass the complexity of the human experience.
“It’s too much, it’s just too much,” one cisgender man explained, tearing at the hair on his head. “What’s next, telling me that I’m my own individual, not defined by the presence of a penis? This penis is EVERYTHING.”
Asked what they thought of their neighbors’ reactions, Tyler May looked bewildered. “Why do they care how I identify?” Shaking their head, they added, “People are so weird.”