The American dream, the land of opportunities, the land of so much freedom.

Oh and this week, the kindness extended to us, so sweet, so considerate of you to be thinking about my aging eggs, which on so many levels is kinda sick…

Hello corporate America I bet you have been waiting to hear from me!

I am not sure quite where to start to be honest, I have written this article maybe 5 times since last night, I went to bed thinking about my vagina, my womb, my births, c-sections, and yes my frozen eggs, adoption and surrogacy support options you present us with. (hey thanks btw) My vagina, my breasts and post baby fat thank you, we thank you from the bottom of our hemorrhoids.

So I decided in all this mayhem I would give you more ”sound advise”.

Lets redesign the pump room, hell you redesigned the rules around women, birth and their eggs why stop there we may as well keep moving on…

 I bring you the pump room in Corporate America

Hello tired mothers welcome to the pump room!

We congratulate you for returning to work after a few weeks of ”rest and recuperation” with a blood stained diaper between your legs, a soft cushion to sit your vagina on, sleepless nights of nursing and bleeding nipples – we in corporate America – salute you!

Please take note we have modernized the pump room for your conveneience.

To the right you will find free multi functioning pads- they fit snuggly into your vaginal area and if you use the scissors provided you may also reshape them and stuff them into your bra-you know how we love a buy one get two deal!

To the left is your *FREE* antidepressant dispensary, it works similar to a condom machine in a night club, but possibly less fiddly and way more convenient, oh and free. (did we mention it’s free?)

Straight ahead of you, you will find the private pump rooms, with new conference call features, and modernized privacy signs catered to your every need

  • Please do not disturb I am pumping while I get hormonal injections
  • Please do not disturb I am on the phone to a lawyer about surrogacy & adoptions options
  • Please do not disturb I am on a 3 way, (take mind out of gutter…I said on a 3 way not in one)
  • Design your own…Yes! We encourage you to use your creativity and let loose while you pump, please remember to tidy after yourself – pen lids on pens etc…etc…

Dear corporate America, you may want to consider using your vagina next time

How about this:

  • I am almost certain the person making these suggestions has not given birth or had a c-section, or is human.
  • Did you use an app to come up with these ludicrous ideas? Did you buy the app for ridiculous amounts of money? – hmm you may want to return it.
  • I will design you an app all about vaginas, birth, women and new babies– how much you willing to pay? I’ll take anything to help you stop making another faux pas and f-ing up so publicly
  • I think you are missing the point. And I commend you for giving us options. BUT….have you considered a much easier, simpler, more thoughtful and human option? – 1 YEAR FULL PAID MATERNITY LEAVE…this involves no take over bids and no app’s – yeah really!?

Should you require more words of wisdom I challenge you to email me: