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An Angry, Feministy, Gay Rant

The required footwear of man-hating feminists everywhere.

The required footwear of man-hating feminists everywhere.

There’s been a lot of controversy about street harassment lately, with the release of that video (which I’m not gonna link to, you have Google), of that New York woman getting harassed. You heard about that, right? Apparently white dudes were edited out, so in addition to sexism we’re talking about racism now too. And maybe that’s good, because both are prevalent. Street harassment sucks, it happens to me all the time, and it probably happens to you, too.  It doesn’t just happen on the street though, or from strangers. Men make gross comments to me in bars, in lines, at work (hard workers, those misogynists!). I don’t hate men, though I will admit that, yes, I hate men a little. I get very sick of all the gross misogynistic/homophobic things they say to me, so now I’m gonna put them on blast. This is not an insightful feminist critique. It’s just me bitching about dudes, with reaction shots. Here are five extra-douchey, actual things said to me by men, with a bonus one by a woman, because equality.

 How can you be gay when I want to have sex with you so bad?ash huh selfie oakland

Well, douche-bro, because your sexual desire has nothing to do with mine. And your perplexity is inherently homophobic, because you assume lesbians must be unattractive. Walk around Oakland for an hour: you will encounter dozens of sexy queers, and they will all have awesome haircuts. Counter-question: how can you still be alive when you are so stupid?

 Do you know how cute you are? I wish you were straight, I would fuck the shit out of you.uuhhhhh oakland

This one bummed me out. It was said to me by an acquaintance, a former co-worker, who used to treat me like one of the guys. Then I got a haircut, lost some weight and started wearing more dresses. Suddenly I became a sexual object to him and he drunkenly whispered this in my ear, with my girlfriend sitting five feet away. I high-tailed it out of there, and figured he was just drunk. But in the morning I woke up to a sober text from him calling me “beautiful” and “a fucking fox.” Gross. This was one of those times when I didn’t know what to say back. So I’ve just been ignoring him. Because, like, ick.

 You’re a lesbian? So you must have guys trying to convert you all the time.ash standup 11

This was said to me after I did a comedy set in San Francisco, with jokes about how no one knows I’m gay and how much I hate men hitting on me. I have no idea why this seems to make guys hit on me more. Do straight men just really love a challenge? Is it that hard to believe that I could be gay just because I wear (awesome) lipstick? Comments like this are especially depressing, because they’re often from my comedy colleagues and I don’t want to be the angry dyke comedian. But alas, I am a dyke and a comedian, and shit like this makes me angry.

Do you want to [hook up with me in the bathroom]? Just do it.

giants oakland

I went to a Giants game for the first time in May, and almost immediately had a panic attack while being squished and pushed by a crowd of drunk bros. When the game was finally over, my friends, girlfriend and I went to a bar. As I waited in line for the bathroom and made polite small talk with a drunk guy, this happened. When it was his turn to enter the single-occupancy bathroom, he invited me to join him. When I firmly turned him down, he said the delightful: “Just do it.” Oh, ok, I’ve never had sex with a man, I’ve known you for three minutes and my girlfriend is twenty feet away, but when you put it like that, how can I say no? We had amazing bathroom sex and now we’re getting married. And all it took was a come-on in a sports bar. Actually, what happened is my girlfriend yelled at him. Much better end to the story.

Whoa, sneaking up behind me, Academy award winner! My secret weapon.

Source: wikimedia.org

Source: wikimedia.org

Ok, this one doesn’t actually bother me, it just confuses me. This was said to me on Broadway in Oakland recently, as I walked behind some man. I didn’t respond, as my usual M.O. is to ignore random comments, but I definitely smirked and I continue to wonder what the hell he meant. I’ve decided to take it as a compliment…I think? I don’t know. People are weird.


BONUS: You’re not a lesbian. You said you had a boyfriend in your set.

I drew this, so don't worry, internet, it's legal to use it.

I drew this, so don’t worry, internet, it’s legal to use it.

So: women can be dicks, too. This was part of a delightful conversation in a bar in San Francisco last December. The woman in front of me in line at the bathroom lit up when she saw my face and informed me she had seen me do standup earlier that night. She told me I was funny, then narrowed her eyes and said the above. I explained that the boyfriend part was a joke, since you know, I was on stage telling jokes. She grilled me about my lesbianity for a few minutes. Then she rubbed up against me and said, “So I’m a lesbian, you’re a lesbian, I saw you do standup tonight, now we meet in this bar. I think it’s fate.” I think it’s gross. It was also kind of hilarious and depressing. But I guess that counts as meeting a “fan?” Yay?