As you all know, men are from Mars and women are from Venus. Women are delicate. We are also, ugh, so annoying, with our simple minds and complicated emotions. We need our products to be pink and pretty like our cheeks. I’m so glad we live in an age where corporations get that, and have created some fabulous, super useful, super thoughtful products just for us ladyfolk. Enjoy my very real recommendations below. I 100% non-ironically personally endorse all these products and use them every day.
1. Purse Pouch
I really don’t understand this one. I saw it at my favorite trainwreck of a store, Grocery Outlet. I am a woman who always carries a purse, and I have never struggled with where to put it in my car. Your purse goes in the passenger seat. Have a passenger? It goes in the backseat. Have a car full of people? It goes on the floor or in one of their laps. You’re the driver, you’re in charge. Please do not spend $20 on what is essentially a purse for your purse. One purse at a time is plenty.
2. Bic For Her pen
My delicate lady hands have always struggled with the massive blue and black pens so commonly found around town. I prefer all my products to be some combination of pink, glittery and floral. I never want to forget that I am a woman, and how that makes me different from men, and men rule the world, and men are awesome because they design pretty pens just for me.
3. LEAF Jewelry Activity Tracker
I’m really hung up on this product because Facebook keeps trying to sell it to me. So I’m gonna try to sell it to you. You’re a woman, so obviously you love jewelry and obsessing. Well, move over, FitBit, because this amazing piece of garbage tracks your ovulation cycles! Never forget about your period (and by the way, have you made a baby yet?). You also get to wear a heavy leaf-shaped thing around your neck. It’s a great conversation starter. “What’s that big ugly thing around your neck?” “I’m so glad you asked: it’s an activity tracker that allows me to obsess over my bodily functions so I can pretend that I am taking active self-care steps without sacrificing my femininity.” Leaf also brags that it: “tracks your breathing and helps monitor and reduce stress levels.” Nothing has ever stressed me out as intensely as that sentence. Does it say YOU ARE BREATHING TOO FAST CALM THE FUCK DOWN, GIRL? That sounds helpful. It’s also made out of “real American wood,” not like that fake Canadian wood in those trackers for boys. It also “comes with a silver chain necklace and battery replacement tool.” Hope it also comes with a man to show us how to use that tool, AMIRITE LADIES?
4. Booty Pop Underwear
Like me, you probably can’t afford a Brazilian Butt Lift, and you go to bed crying about that every night. Well, don’t worry, flat-assed women of the world, because capitalism’s got your back. Literally. Yes, there is really a company that makes padded underwear to make your butt bigger. I imagine it is really sexy when you’re making out with someone and they slide their hands over your pretend butt. Pro tip: sneak into the bathroom and take off your fake butt before you get down. Of course, your lover will probably then reject you, because no one likes a flat ass. Never forget that your body is wrong.
5. Kush Breast Separator
I. Cant. Even. I just…sorry, I’m having a rage attack over here. It’s like a panic attack but angrier. Now that I’ve collected myself, allow me to inform you that if you sleep on your side, you are ruining your breasts and no man will ever love you. Get the Kush Breast Separator so you can keep your northern boob perky and your southern boob from being crushed. Kush also claims to prevent wrinkles. Apparently, I have not been worrying enough about boob wrinkles… or at all. My delicate lady brain is about to explode with anxiety over my boob wrinkles and flat butt. I’m off to make good use of my fainting couch.
Featured Image: WavebreakmediaMicro/Adobe Stock