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Y’all, there are so many lesbian myths out there that I had to do a second article about them. Even in our supposedly progressive, enlightened times of 2014 Bay Area life, many stereotypes persist. There may be a nugget of truth in some of them, but we are not all scissoring, hairy, humorless dykes. Some of us are just hairy and humorless! But seriously, nobody scissors. Except in porn.

 

1. Scissoring

I am very serious about scissoring. Very serious about informing you that this is not something we actually do. I took a very scientific poll, not anecdotal at all, by asking all the queermos I know and none of us are down with scissoring. Most of us have tried it, sure, usually as baby dykes trying to figure out how this whole sex thing works. It’s boring. It’s a lot of work. It doesn’t feel that good. Maybe some ladies out there scissor all day every day and good for them, but I have never met them. And I hope I never do. Because I don’t want to scissor with them, or even hear about it.

 

2. There’s a “man” and a “woman” in lesbian relationships.

No, no, no. Just, no. We’re both women. I’ve usually dated femmes and for the first time am dating someone who presents more masculinely. But we’re both still women. And yet, strangers continually treat me like the “girl” in our relationship. When we order a bottle of wine at a restaurant (that’s right, we’re fancy sometimes), the waiter always has her taste it, even when I order. Waiters also ALWAYS give her the check, and even when I am picking up the tab, will bring back the card and place it in front of her. When I’ve dated other femmes, strangers usually assumed we were just really good friends. Now my grrlfriend and I are immediately read as a couple, and it is immediately assumed she is the “man” and thus decides and pays for everything. This is pretty frustrating when in fact we have an equal relationship. Hmm, there weren’t really any jokes in this paragraph, huh? Eh, I’m feeling pissy, not funny. Sometimes you just got to vent, folks. Thanks for putting up with it.

3. We just haven’t found the right man.

I have a confession: I had a boyfriend once. It happened a couple years after I came out. I had moved back home temporarily to save money, and in my small hometown in Connecticut, I seemed to be the only dyke my age. I met this sweet, harmless guy who was into me so I decided to try it out. It’s the equivalent of going gay in prison: I went straight in Connecticut because there weren’t other options. He was a good guy and respected that I didn’t want to have sex. Mostly we cuddled and went to the movies and had some very boring makeout sessions. I gave it a shot, but I just wasn’t attracted to him. When I dumped him, he yelled, “Stupid, stupid, never should’ve fallen for a lesbian, stupid, stupid!” while banging the dashboard of my car. Yep, sorry, dude, I am hella gay and you knew that going in. Don’t feel bad for him, he’s married now, and presumably happy. And I got to keep my gold star.

 

4. We are hairy.

I’m not sure if this quite qualifies as a myth because many of us are indeed pretty hairy. Often, stereotypes do come from somewhere, and yes, many a lesbian does not remove her body hair. I am one of them: I love having hairy armpits and have not shaved them in years…though I do trim. And I shave my legs about once a month. I would do it more if I weren’t so lazy. But I know plenty of queers of varying gender presentations and identities who obsessively remove their body hair. There may seem to be more of us who don’t shave, but it’s not like we’re any more hairy than your average straight girl hippie.

 

5. Dykes have no sense of humor.

Nope, Ellen Degeneres isn’t one of the most successful comedians ever and no one likes her daily talk show and she isn’t funny at all. Neither are successful comedians/actors Suzanne Westenhoefer, Wanda Sykes, Lily Tomlin, Tig Notaro, Portia de Rossi, Sara Gilbert or Judy Gold. And hey, I don’t want to brag, but I made $40 doing standup last month. So I am at least $40 worth of funny, which totally and completely proves my point. Case closed. Boom.

Featured Image: Flickr user philippe leroyer via Creative Commons

Ash Fisher is a comedian, actor and writer. She is not a comedienne, an actress or a writeress. Ash does standup all over California and co-produces and hosts "Man Haters Comedy" every month at The White Horse in Oakland. She is also an occasional illustrator and does voiceovers whenever someone lets her. She is a self-proclaimed selfie expert. Ash holds a B.F.A. in Theatre from NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts, and Sallie Mae will never let her forget it.

Comments
  • Rose

    This is honestly so frustrating. I’m a bisexual woman and scissoring with another woman is the only sexual act I can actually get off on. I really hate the fact that this isn’t really recognized as a legitimate sex act amongst the lesbian community because it is a real thing. As shocking as it may be to some people, head just doesn’t do it for everyone.

    Sep 25, 2019
  • 1) Scissoring does seem a little stupid. Probably about as exciting as if two men did it.

    2) In most Lesbian relationships I’ve seen there is always a “top” and a “bottom”. Maybe you’ve een lucky enough to always have 50/50 relationships, but a lot of the time when I see women together one is definitely the man. It’s the one with the short hair, dressed in men’s clothes, usually much bigger in some way than the “lipstick” partner.

    3) I agree that sounds silly, although I have had MANY Gay men tell me they could “have me” if they wanted to, or they’d be my “daddy” if I wanted them to. Thanks for the compliment, but, nope. We all like what we like.

    4) Some Lesbian and Hippie women think having body hair is empowering. If being empowered means repulsing most men, yes, spot-on, that’s 100% true. Most men don’t even like their own body hair. It’s gross, but society tells us we have to have it. I have had many conversations with women about why I “manscape”. It’s cleaner, less hot, less sweaty, which means less odor, too. Bathing only does so much when you then have to go outside and work in a yard or do something physical. And for Hetero couples, no one likes to stop what they’re doing to pit out hairs. It’s gross. But for some women it;s a huge turn-on. Same women buy men’s clothes, stop using deoderant and perfume, I hope they at least wipe when they go to the bathroom.

    5) Jim Jefferies had a thing about this and it’s true from an observational standpoint. I’ve been to MANY Gay bars and have lots of Gay and Lesbian friends. My sis-in-law is a Lesbian. Everything gets really political, really fast, usually about how men are doing something wrong. Gay men are hilarious and go out to have a good time. Buzzfeed did a thing where Gay friends and Lesbian friends switch roles for a night. The Gay guys have to stay home and watch movies and drink wine and the Lesbians have to go out to the club. Neither wanted to, both groups wound up having fun, but outside of their comfort zones. Lesbians seem to be very introspective and nihilistic. Gay men seem to be extroverts and very much existential. But while you’re on the habit of mentioning Lesbian comedians, Gay men have NPH.

    Sep 17, 2020
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