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Y’all, there are so many lesbian myths out there that I had to do a second article about them. Even in our supposedly progressive, enlightened times of 2014 Bay Area life, many stereotypes persist. There may be a nugget of truth in some of them, but we are not all scissoring, hairy, humorless dykes. Some of us are just hairy and humorless! But seriously, nobody scissors. Except in porn.

 

1. Scissoring

I am very serious about scissoring. Very serious about informing you that this is not something we actually do. I took a very scientific poll, not anecdotal at all, by asking all the queermos I know and none of us are down with scissoring. Most of us have tried it, sure, usually as baby dykes trying to figure out how this whole sex thing works. It’s boring. It’s a lot of work. It doesn’t feel that good. Maybe some ladies out there scissor all day every day and good for them, but I have never met them. And I hope I never do. Because I don’t want to scissor with them, or even hear about it.

 

2. There’s a “man” and a “woman” in lesbian relationships.

No, no, no. Just, no. We’re both women. I’ve usually dated femmes and for the first time am dating someone who presents more masculinely. But we’re both still women. And yet, strangers continually treat me like the “girl” in our relationship. When we order a bottle of wine at a restaurant (that’s right, we’re fancy sometimes), the waiter always has her taste it, even when I order. Waiters also ALWAYS give her the check, and even when I am picking up the tab, will bring back the card and place it in front of her. When I’ve dated other femmes, strangers usually assumed we were just really good friends. Now my grrlfriend and I are immediately read as a couple, and it is immediately assumed she is the “man” and thus decides and pays for everything. This is pretty frustrating when in fact we have an equal relationship. Hmm, there weren’t really any jokes in this paragraph, huh? Eh, I’m feeling pissy, not funny. Sometimes you just got to vent, folks. Thanks for putting up with it.

3. We just haven’t found the right man.

I have a confession: I had a boyfriend once. It happened a couple years after I came out. I had moved back home temporarily to save money, and in my small hometown in Connecticut, I seemed to be the only dyke my age. I met this sweet, harmless guy who was into me so I decided to try it out. It’s the equivalent of going gay in prison: I went straight in Connecticut because there weren’t other options. He was a good guy and respected that I didn’t want to have sex. Mostly we cuddled and went to the movies and had some very boring makeout sessions. I gave it a shot, but I just wasn’t attracted to him. When I dumped him, he yelled, “Stupid, stupid, never should’ve fallen for a lesbian, stupid, stupid!” while banging the dashboard of my car. Yep, sorry, dude, I am hella gay and you knew that going in. Don’t feel bad for him, he’s married now, and presumably happy. And I got to keep my gold star.

 

4. We are hairy.

I’m not sure if this quite qualifies as a myth because many of us are indeed pretty hairy. Often, stereotypes do come from somewhere, and yes, many a lesbian does not remove her body hair. I am one of them: I love having hairy armpits and have not shaved them in years…though I do trim. And I shave my legs about once a month. I would do it more if I weren’t so lazy. But I know plenty of queers of varying gender presentations and identities who obsessively remove their body hair. There may seem to be more of us who don’t shave, but it’s not like we’re any more hairy than your average straight girl hippie.

 

5. Dykes have no sense of humor.

Nope, Ellen Degeneres isn’t one of the most successful comedians ever and no one likes her daily talk show and she isn’t funny at all. Neither are successful comedians/actors Suzanne Westenhoefer, Wanda Sykes, Lily Tomlin, Tig Notaro, Portia de Rossi, Sara Gilbert or Judy Gold. And hey, I don’t want to brag, but I made $40 doing standup last month. So I am at least $40 worth of funny, which totally and completely proves my point. Case closed. Boom.

Featured Image: Flickr user philippe leroyer via Creative Commons

Ash Fisher is a comedian, actor and writer. She is not a comedienne, an actress or a writeress. Ash does standup all over California and co-produces and hosts "Man Haters Comedy" every month at The White Horse in Oakland. She is also an occasional illustrator and does voiceovers whenever someone lets her. She is a self-proclaimed selfie expert. Ash holds a B.F.A. in Theatre from NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts, and Sallie Mae will never let her forget it.

Comments
  • Rose

    This is honestly so frustrating. I’m a bisexual woman and scissoring with another woman is the only sexual act I can actually get off on. I really hate the fact that this isn’t really recognized as a legitimate sex act amongst the lesbian community because it is a real thing. As shocking as it may be to some people, head just doesn’t do it for everyone.

    Sep 25, 2019
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