With social distancing, celebrities don’t know what the fuck to do with themselves without the world’s attention. So let’s bring back Celebrity Deathmatch!
By Dark Sky Lady and Clarkisha Kent
2020 has been… an interesting year to say the least. After letting January go on for three years and allowing February to deliver us a lackluster Black History Month filled with a constant shit-stream of bad takes, March looked like it was gonna be semi-hopeful… until Miss Rona attacked.
Since then, a lot has happened. On top of us in the states possibly witnessing the collapse of capitalism and the whiter side of this country seeing America finally take its mask off and prove that it could have fixed all of its societal ills the whole time, celebrities are also proving lately that they don’t know what the fuck to do when the world is not revolving around them and their vapid asses for once. This has resulted in multiple celebrities posting bizarre videos where they’re either singing (off-key), clapping (off-beat), or sitting in rose water baths while stating how “equal” we are all under Miss Rona… when they should simply be opening their motherfucking purses and asking the general public for their cash apps to pay for essentials.
Basically, the ruling [celebrity] class is being fucking annoying right now, to our collective chagrin. And because they’re being so annoying, we over at Wear Your Voice have decided that it would be in society’s greatest interest to bring back MTV’s iconic show, Celebrity Deathmatch.
And here are 16 matchups we’d love to see:
1. Gina Rodriguez v Vanessa Ann Hudgens
One’s an anti-Black airhead who loves to stick her foot in her mouth. The other is an airhead who is a Woody Allen apologist, who (allegedly) wants your Grandma to die, AND who apparently can’t stop moaning on camera for some reason (No disrespect to the art of moaning though). We’d like to think this Deathmatch would be entertaining, but we feel like it would just play out like one of those annoying, obligatory “girl fights” directors put in their action movies because GIRL POWERRRRRR. As this is such, no matter who won, we’d be dropping an anvil on their head for good measure.
2. Madonna v Bette Midler
Madonna’s confusing accents (is she British again?) aside, she is just an ignorant, trash mess. Like the Rona, this match doesn’t give a damn who the fuck you are, and she is an out-of-touch appropriating clod who snaps headass pics of Black kids with watermelons and uses the n-word as an endearment. Midler, similarly, is constantly inserting both feet into her mouth with faux woke tweets like her vapid “blackground” doubled down bullshit “women are the n-word” tweet. Both prioritize intent over impact, so that being the case, there’s little confidence this match would end in a winner, but more likely dual fatalities. Midler would choke on her tootsies and Madonna would be killed by flying watermelons, ejected from catapults.
3. Mel Gibson v Mark Wahlberg
Gibson’s in free fall (of the racist, anti-Semitic, AND misogynistic kind, even though Hollywood is doing their best to rehab his image), and Wahlberg has a history of racist violence against Asian people, plus a revolving bedroom door history to boot, but we should never underestimate a racist with little to lose. The Deathmatch between these two mugshots would be entertaining regardless, but our money’s on Wahlberg for a head-splitting finish.
4. Priyanka Chopra v Jameela Jamil
Some may assume that this would play out as an actual fistfight… but in reality, these two objectively beautiful celebrities would instead try to out-do-the-other-to-death in trying to appear “relatable” and “down-to-Earth”. It’s a mystery who’d win in that regard, but we’re tempted to give it to Chopra on the off-chance that she maybe picked up some moves from her time on Quantico.
5. Priyanka Chopra v Gal Gadot
If Chopra wins the Jamil match, we are ecstatic to have this bout next. One of the many celebs regurgitating, “death comes for us all” as a unifying tactic, Gadot can’t sing her way out of this one given that she… just can’t sing. Chopra is a war-mongering chucklefuck who uses patriotism to mask that thirst so who better to pair her with than one of her own. Gadot’s pro-“Israel” and IDF stance while discordantly singing a song about no war or religion could make someone’s ears bleed. While they’re both equally matched, equally ridiculous and equally a waste of time and money beyond this bout, Gadot’s recent roles may give her the edge needed to take this. Unless she did no training and just “imagined” she could fight. Psst… before this match, let’s ensure their wills donate all their possessions to those who have more to fear than just dying from the Rona, but surviving.
6. Scarlett Johansson v Jessica Biel
Biel’s anti-vax asininity aside, she’s not a tiny woman. We think Biel wins this one. Johansson has the skill to give that “almost cry” look in every damn movie she’s in… and play a tree, but Biel will bring Blade and he was born ready. Besides, Johansson will be far too distracted by how unfair it is that she couldn’t audition for the role of Blade, so as long as Biel doesn’t get distracted by Justin Timberlake’s itinerant dick (cause we know she don’t care that he’s an appropriating piece of shit with appropriative ties stretching back to Elvis) this match should end quickly.
7. Lilly Singh v Awkwafina
Not sure who would win this one as we don’t have much insight into either’s physical prowess. In fact, we’d probably have more luck betting on which fake Blacktress here has a clip of them saying “nigga” floating around on the dark side of Tumblr from about five years ago. We’ll say…draw.
8. Terry Crews v Isaiah Washington v Ricky Whittle v Kanye West
What a battle this would be. A FOUR-WAY death match between the most shuckin’est and jive turkey-ass niggas we’ve all seen in a while. The win would be hard to call on this one. For starters, Crews is a “yes Massa” appeaser to the white folk who will happily throw his own under the bus. Could he convince West to team up just to chuck him into a Washington’s homophobic attack? Then again, West thinks he’s God, so would he go out so easily?
On the other hand, Whittle may quite literally have the edge here with his terrible ass perm. Like he might just use this perm as a weapon against these other silly kneegrows, slicing them with the power of 3947937393949 stiff hairs that have been run under a hot iron Aladdin-style one too many times. Or, conversely, he could just wait for Crews to Judas both West and Washington and then proceed to yeet his milk dud ass out the ring.
The possibilities are truly endless with this Deathmatch, but we’re gonna way it will come down to Crews and Whittle with Whittle most likely escaping with his bad perm intact. But then again, Crews may tag in HIS WIFE for a last-minute win so… hmm.
9. Kim Kardashian v Kim Kardashian
She’s obsessed with herself and how she is perceived so we wouldn’t be surprised if the broad started shadow-boxing herself.
10. Piers Morgan v Perez Hilton
Both are the roaches and bottom feeders of the entertainment industry so this would definitely be a toss-a-way fight. Still, we’re giving this to Hilton only because he seems like the type to fight dirty-dirty and pull shit even Morgan wouldn’t think of.
11. Anthony Mackie v Frank Grillo
Honestly, we really just want to see this re-match from The Winter Soldier again since they’re both equally annoying and aggravating as fuck. We’re giving this to Grillo in 4–UNLESS Mackie reminds him that he is in fact “Black” in a John Cena-esque “You Can’t See Me” way and Mackie miraculously pulls this win out of his ass.
12. Chet Hanks v G Eazy
The battle of the most annoying Wiggas of 2020 would probably be the deathmatch of the year. And many would assume that the prodigal progeny of one precious Tom Hanks would take the cake. But our theory is that Chet has fake popcorn muscles, so we’re giving this one to G Greasy.
13. Stephen King v James Woods
King is a member of the same “diversity lowers quality” camp that Scarlett Johansson hails from. The closest he gets to Black people is poorly writing them as “Magical Negros”. Fitting that he square up against another jackass who hates diversity.
Woods, a sexual predator, and pedophile sympathizer, is one of the few old white men Hollywood hasn’t brought back in so he must’ve fucked with the wrong ecru. One’s a pedophile, one defends the rights of pedophiles. King may cheat by dropping 20 copies of “It” onto Woods so the fight may end there. Or the Rona infected Weinstein swoops in and coughs on boffum.
14. Ellen Degeneres v Wendy Williams
Both of these dickheads are fake as fuck. One just plays being nice and the other pretends she’s keeping it real even though she’s simply being a hefty trash bag. And with them being on opposite ends of the fake spectrum, it’s a hard one to call. We’d say maybeeeee Williams. She be talking too much shit to not know how to fight a little bit.
15. Alyssa Milano vs Rose McGowan
The Charmed siblings have the same white feminist, ignorant ass performative allyshipness in common (though McGowan’s TERF rants edge her ahead as well as her Midler-esque “replace women with N-word” tweet). Then there’s Milano with her fabricated naïveté “you don’t understand my art and heart” weak af whining ass. Milano doesn’t recognize her country when she sees KKK, which has existed for over a fucking century. Yet she is apparently everything — trans, person of color and dunderheaded, vacuous peak white woman.
These two can’t seem to find a clue, let alone a job beyond weaponizing their exclusionary white femininity. In a Deathmatch they’ll likely hug each other, cry, blame the machine they’re a part of for putting them in the match and tell Black women and women of color it’s time for us to stand with them. At which point, they’d both be killed as the audience hurled complete boxed sets of Charmed at them. Death by Charmed DVDs is how, we think, they’d want to go.
16. Michael Rapaport vs Death