Editor’s Note: Accidental Man-eater is a weekly-ish account of navigating dating life in the Tinder Era of dating, sex, relationships and winning at failing in love.

Screenshot 2015-03-23 at 10.58.30 AM                                                Photo Credit: Flickr user Fabíola Medeiros via Creative Commons

Tinder Era romantic entanglements range from the fun to the bizarre but most often fall somewhere on the spectrum between lukewarm oatmeal and having to ask for extra aioli at Lukas (Lukas why you so stingy?)kind of underwhelming and a mild annoyance. My Aquariusness makes me quite adept at meeting new people (and impressing them with my intellectual prowess and obvious humility) and although I do not possess a dick myself (though, when I ask whos is it?they always say its yours)I have watched movieswith enough dudes to know what Im talking about. Here’s my do’s and don’ts for giving good dick (without being one). 

[RELATED POST: Let’s Talk About Sex]

[wp_ad_camp_5]

Do: Wash your balls. This SHOULD go without saying and as I hopscotch into my 30s its not as much of an issue, but if theres one sure fire way to dry out a vagina (other than misinformed opinions about complex social issues) its wafting ripe ball sweat into in and around my mouth. Scent is the sense most strongly tied to memory, so if you want her to remember how you put it down dont funk it up. I had a semi-regular bone-buddy (well call him The Aquariustwinsies!) with a massive soldier who I was less inclined to repeat because I just couldnt get down with the BO situation. Irish Spring your frank and beans.

Do: Find a condom that works for YOU. Dudes out here trying to live that Magnum XL life on a Durex Dick budget. Dicks come in all different shapes, sizes, colors, flavors. Variety is the spice of life. THAT SAID, theres really nothing worse than trying to fish an oversized rubber out of your pussy because homie has a sensitive ego. I keep three kinds of condoms in my drawer: Mags, Trojan Ultra Thins and Trojan Extended Pleasure (for those who need a little help). Set your feelings aside, boss up and wear a condom that isnt gonna slide off when I put a little umph in it.

Do: Enthusiastically eat the P. Vagina is delicious. Eat it in the morning, eat it after work, eat it during commercial breaks while your chick is watching Empire. These days, rappers and R&B singers are not afraid to admit theyre going down on chicks on the regular (shit, even Maroon 5 got in on the action with Kiwi). What you NOT gon do is visit Labia Town as a means to an end. Develop a love for making your girl squirmdont eat me with the sole purpose of serving your dicktastic needs. Tailor your strategy to her preferences (none of that cookie-cutter head is acceptable), listen to her, pay attention to how she responds to what you do and for the love of Jesus ease up off the clitoris. The only thing worse than no head is bad head. Heres some sure-fire tips on giving fire head.

Do: Run red lights. Throw a towel down. Head to the shower. Show your girl a little love as her uterus is literally trying to kill her (orgasms ease cramps).

Dont: Hustle your way into vagina. Ive experienced more spin movesthan I can count (dudes wholl invite you to Thanksgiving dinner, true story, take you on multiple dates and curve you the day after you let them smash). I dont have time for that level of fuckery in my life. If your only objective is to bone me I really just want you to be up front about it. Im an adult and you should respect me enough to give me the information I need to decide whether or not I want to fuck you. Chances are its gonna be like a 4 on a scale of 1-10 and if I should be instead investing my time waiting in line for Chipotle (#Burritos4Lyfe) Id really like to know.

Dont: Be like Lil Wayne. Case in point – Pretty ladies, are you here? Truffle butter on your pussy…” head on over to our friends at Urban Dictionary for a definition of Truffle Butter. DO. NOT. DO. THAT. SHIT. UTI on a stick (UTI on a dick?). If youre gonna visit the back yard take a pause and clean your little homie off before subjecting your girl to the literal worst feeling in the world. Plus, a clean dick = more head for you.

Dont: Bust on chicks all Willy Nilly. If youre getting ready to cum you need to let a sista know. If you get some in my eye I will quite possibly throw hot grits on you. Dont play wit me.

Comments