Normally, when an ex-lover — who never made you cum — texts you to say he was able to help another woman reach the big O, it can be a huge letdown. But when you had a hand in making it happen, it’s not such a bad thing.
First, a little background: Last summer, I was getting over a tumultuous, brief, intense relationship. Because when it rains, it pours, I was also simultaneously moving, trying to find a new job and dealing with a couple big projects at work. So when I matched this dude on OkCupid who was both attractive and well-mannered, I quickly said yes to a date.
The date consisted mostly of sex. Because the sex was new enough to remain interesting and not bad enough to be a waste of my time, we had a couple more boning sessions before it fizzled out. One of the reasons I don’t hit this guy up regularly is that he’s what I call a “Unilateral Lover.”
Did you just groan and roll your eyes in exasperation? Me too. The sex isn’t bad, per se. He’s an excellent kisser, an on-point fondler and an enthusiastic giver of the cunnilingus. But as soon as it’s P in the V time, he just bangs away like one of those enthusiastic bell ringers for the Salvation Army asking for a donation at Christmas time. The sex is pretty much all about him until, after a reasonable amount of time, he cums. Then we’re done and my vagina wears the sad face of a woman who hasn’t climaxed.
During our last casual encounter, as usual, we went at it until he came. While he lay next to me in a post-orgasmic haze, I reached for my vibrator and gave myself a vagina monologue.
Nowadays, we exchange texts every couple months and never hang out. We like things simple. But last week, our texting anniversary came up and he said I’d crossed his mind. I smiled to myself, did a Kegel to high-five my vagina, and read the rest of his texts.
Before I get to them, you might be asking, “is Unilateral Lover a universal douche?” No, in fact, he’s an upstanding citizen with a good sense of humor and feminist politics. The irony, I know. I don’t regret my decision to have sex with him; I just can’t make a case for regularly fucking a guy who has hit-and-run penis tendencies.
That said, I do my best to treat every male-bodied lover, regardless of penis skill and size, with dignity. Even good men have fragile egos, and society definitely doesn’t need any more men on the planet who fuck from a place of shame or anger. So I decided to give him some useful feedback about his sex techniques. He took it really well, asked excellent follow-up questions and admitted that he wasn’t as responsive as he could have been to my sexual needs. We joked about it and amicably parted ways.
Then, the night he texted me to say he’d been thinking of me, he sent this: “Hey, I was thinking about you yesterday. A girl [I’m fucking] told me that she had not orgasmed in two years. I have to give credit to you because you told me how important it is to read your partner’s body’s responses, which is how I made her orgasm. Not saying you want to hear this, but I had to let you know haha.”
My favorite part was the “haha,” like he was Jay-Z at the end of a hook. “Haha” in this context only amplifies the awkwardness of telling an old sex partner that you’re putting more effort into fucking a new sex partner. I spent a few minutes wishing that I had never acquired the ability to read, gathered myself up and replied: “Glad to help.”
It would have been so easy to get upset that his sexual growth didn’t happen while were sexually involved. It would have been so easy to write this guy off as a dick and a selfish lover. Yeah, his style of sex was selfish, but I don’t think he meant it to be. His penis felt something good wrapped around it and his brain told him to keep pelvic thrusting until he came. Sounds like I’m describing a horny teenager, right? But he, like many heterosexual men, can go an entire lifetime having penis-centered, penis-focused sex without slowing down to consider what their female partners are experiencing.
This guy spent years clumsily sexsplunking (cave diving, yo) until he was given the feedback he needed. He couldn’t change or improve upon a problem when he wasn’t aware it existed. So, go! Be the change you wish to see in the world. Everyone deserves to have great sex. Talk. About. Sex. I’m living proof that you are just one conversation away from helping yourself (or someone else!) have mind-blowing sex.