Fingering Fruit by Stephanie Sarley. Gynecologist metaphor!

“Fingering Fruit,” by Stephanie Sarley.

Very few people are actually excited to go see the gynecologist. Pap tests are necessary, but probably not your average idea of a good time. Ob/Gyns are known for bizarre beside manners and sometimes say some pretty hilarious stuff. Sadly, sometimes the things that folks hear at the doctor can be pretty problematic, too. Here are some of the strangest things that folks have heard while in the stirrups at the gynecologist.

1. “Everything looks normal and smells great.” –YDR, Louisiana.

2. “Spread them wider. C’mon, you’re used to it or you wouldn’t be here!” This was said to me when I was 14 at my first gynecologist appointment ever.” –ML, Florida.

3. “I once had a gyno pitch me a book after finding out I was a book publicist.” –KE, California.

4. “I birthed you, and now you’re my patient. I’ve officially been doing this too long.” –MB, California.

5. “I guess I will see you at the hospital Christmas party … try to lose weight before then.” –AL, Oregon.

6. “We were discussing Pokémon Go and as he began the exam he said, ‘Oh, there’s a Zubat in here,’ and I was like, ‘IN MY VAGINA???'” –SF, South Africa.

A gynecologist said she thought she saw a Pokemon Zubat in one of their patients.

Zubat.

7. “Is your husband being patient and gentle enough with you?” –AHD, California.

8. “‘Cleanest, pinkest vagina I’ve seen in ages,’ said to me by a doctor at a Planned Parenthood in the East Bay.  It really felt like a judgmental slam against the other women — mostly minorities — who I routinely sat in the waiting room with every few months.” –ED, California.

Related: Why We Need a “Body Reform” in Healthcare

9. “We’re going for a ride; open up, Buttercup … ” –AD, California.

10. “Let’s see if you brought your cervix today!” –BW, California.

11.  “My first ever (gynecological exam) was a rape kit. When I went to a gyno again when I was in my 20s, my male doctor got irritated because I wouldn’t stop crying because I was triggered. ‘There’s nothing to cry and get upset about,’ was the basic sentence given from him.” –LW, Virginia.

12. My first and only time seeing a male gyno, and explaining why it was triggering for me (because I was severely sexually abused as a young child): “Wow, you must have been really tight.” –LP, Florida.

13. “Are you sure you’re not pregnant? (I had mentioned only having sex with women and a trans gentleman.) Your cervix is all swollen like you’re pregnant (I was momentarily terrified I had immaculately conceived).” –ESC, Nebraska.

14. “First gyno appointment, age 15: ‘So, having a little sex, are we?’ It wasn’t really weird so much as mortifying and deeply shaming. I told my mother about it afterward and she was enraged. We both switched doctors permanently.” –SG, Oregon.

15. “‘Just look at the kittens.’ (referring to poster on ceiling with photo of a basket full of kittens), ‘Why is it young women these days shave?’ (to self-identified genderqueer person). ‘Are you sure you couldn’t be pregnant?’ (After disclosing no sexual activity with men or trans women in years).'” –Anonymous.

16. “My gyno asked me to squeeze her fingers with my kegel muscles to test contraction and she said, ‘OH DANG, YA ALMOST TOOK MY FINGERS OFF!’ I was mortified. If they’re gonna keep them in there that long, I shouldn’t have to pay for the appointment or at least get some free stickers or a sucker or something.” –NH, Texas. 

17. “He said, ‘You’re beautiful woman, just like your mother,’ while finger-deep in my vag.” –Anonymous.

18. “Why are you wincing? Could it be because I have my finger up your ass?” My gyno and I had a really funny relationship, as she was my GP’s assistant and like a second mom to me. I responded, “Typically, you’ve got to wine me and dine me first.” –LD, California.

19. “One told me once that her favorite artist was Georgia O’Keeffe.” –Anonymous.

20.“‘Oh, you’re very tight down there. If you didn’t look like you did, I would have assumed you was a virgin.’ … I’m pretty sure you can’t tell virginity by tightness.” –TCW, England.

21. “I’m in the health field and I was chaperoning a male gynecologist while he performed an exam. He actually said, ‘Wow! Looks like you have a case of the yeastie beasties!’ to a patient! I wish she would have kicked him.” –Anonymous, Washington.

22. “When I was pregnant, she’s all in there and says: ‘Wait, is that … oh, nope. OK. Nevermind. I’ve got to get my glasses.’ IS THIS WHAT SHE SAW?” –JS, Oregon.

The power of Christ compels you.

The power of Christ compels you.

While some of these quotes range from bizarre to insensitive to just plain fucked up, please do not let anything discourage you from seeking medical attention and getting regular checkups as needed.

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