Valeria by Andrea Rinaldi. CC license.

Valeria by Andrea Rinaldi. CC license.

When I was younger, I really enjoyed dating and meeting new folks. I had a ton of wild adventures in Portland and in the Tampa Bay area, which often ended up in their beds or mine. Some of those flings turned into relationships, some short-term flings, and some were simply one-nighters.

I wish that I could say all of these interactions were positive and respectful, but a lot of them were not. In fact, people can do and say some pretty awful things to those who they have just had sex with, showing absolute disregard for the intimacy that was shared. Even if it was “just a lay,” basic respect should not be too much to ask. Racism, fatphobia, ableism, misogyny, homophobia … it all comes out. Sadly, none of us is alone in these experiences, but luckily there are lots of people out there who are willing to discuss it.

I ran a poll asking people to share the WORST things they’d heard after sex. Some answers were funny, some sad, some absolutely shocking and disgusting. Everyone was encouraged to participate, and all genders and sexual orientations chimed in. Chosen from hundreds of responses, here is a carefully curated selection of the most messed-up things they heard.

Related: How To Give Good Dick (Without Being One)

Funny Moments:

  1. “I once had a guy ask me, the next morning after banging it out, if I thought Jesus farted on the cross. No ‘Good morning’ or ‘Hey babe.’ That. On top of things, I went home with him thinking he looked like a young Bob Odenkirk. Not the case. I should have married him, in retrospect. Ha!” NR
  2. “Now you can’t ever hunt unicorns.” KH (while ejaculating) “THANK YOU FOR BEING SO NICE TO ME!” MMH
  3. “I once had a guy say, ‘Maybe the reason you’re so abrasive is because you need to accept Jesus Christ into your heart.’ He then pulled out his guitar and asked if he can play me some John Mayer.” GDL
  4. “A guy whom I had slept with a few times referred to his genital warts as his ‘little dudes’ while we had a sexual health talk IN BED. But when I told him about my chronic pain and tried to explain fibromyalgia, he got all empty-eyed and just started somberly into his burrito like I had shown him Holocaust footage. He went totally blank and just changed the subject immediately. There was no fourth date.” RW
  5. “He shot up from a reclining position and yelled, ‘My penis is vestigial!’ whilst angrily slapping it. He then stood up on the bed, shouted ‘Fuck!’ and jumped off of it, stomping all the way to the bathroom with the condom still hanging from his penis. I wish that I could say that was the last time we had sex.” LD
  6. The moles on your back … They’re like constellations!” DD
  7. “I’m a young conservative.” MM

Fatphobia and Body Shaming:

  1. “I really need you to understand that I don’t like fat chicks. I really don’t. It’s not my thing to endorse unhealthy lifestyles. When I marry, I will marry a healthy, good-looking woman. Until then, I can slum it now and again.” GSG
  2. “Some girls you like for their boobs and some you like for their butts. You’re neither.” MM
  3. “I had a girl tell me that I had the smallest dick she had ever seen besides on a baby after sex. When I pulled out a measuring tape and explained that I was actually a little bit above average in the penis area based on what Cosmopolitan says, she stuck to her guns. Even though I knew it was some weird head game she was playing with me, it still messed with my self esteem, so I used it as an excuse to sleep with all of her friends. Years later we spoke and she told me that she had said that to all of her boyfriends in an attempt to embarrass them so they wouldn’t leave her, except that it always backfired.” ZRO
  4. “”Having sex with you is like having sex with an alien from Men In Black.” It really sucked because, growing up, I was constantly told I was ugly because of how skinny I was. The really insulting part was I was instead of just telling me he didn’t want to see me anymore, he had to say something so mean I wouldn’t ever sleep with him again.” MB
  5. “I knew you’d be good. Fat bitches always work for it.” EH
  6. “Bulimics always give the best head.” SD
  7. “I loved fucking you, but we have to act like we don’t know each other. My friends will make fun of me for fucking a fatty like you.” MM

Related: Ultimate Guide to Understanding Fat Phobia

Racism:

  1. “Now I can check ‘having sex with a Native American’ off my list. Now all I need is a Japanese girl.” ARG
  2. “You should probably date black guys. They’re the only ones who will like your fat body.” EM
  3. “Sigh. I once hooked up with a woman who, after we were done, asked me if I was into kink. I was like, ‘Yeah!’ Then she was like, ‘What about role play?’ and I was like, ‘Oh, most definitely!’ And then she was like, ‘It would be so hot if I was like the slave master’s wife, and you were an enslaved black woman, and you made me your sex slave as revenge for everything my people have ever done to yours.’ Sigh.” JDX
  4. “I loved pulling your nappy-ass hair.” TC-W
  5. “After the dude pretty forcefully initiated physical contact, I gave him an expertly given blow job that didn’t result in the guy getting off. I laid back on the bed, horrified, realizing it was because he wasn’t attracted to me. He proceeded to say a whole slew of things: ‘Sometimes I don’t cum with skinny girls either. I think maybe it didn’t happen because, subconsciously, I know you’re fat. There just isn’t a spark. Maybe I’m just supposed to date skinny white girls. Do you think you can have a soulmate without sex?’ This was not the first time he’d had sex with me, and I asked him if I had been an experiment for him. He replied, ‘Yes.’ He also made a joke about whether or not I knew how to swim.  Because, you know, black people … amirite?! He was awful, and I haven’t had sex for almost two years because of what happened with him. I don’t trust being naked around anyone. I don’t feel like I’m attractive enough for someone to say and feel nice things after being with me. It really fucked me up.” SN
  6. “I didn’t think your pussy would be so pink.” ARO
  7. “I had a white man literally sing ‘Rule Britannia’ after sex and then say, ‘I’ve never had sex with a non-white girl before.’ I felt like I was literally colonized via sex.” KC

WTF Moments

  1. “After literally 3 mins of being inside of me … 3 mins …. 3 MINS!! He says, ‘God damn, did you cum too? I was on fire, baby. You can finish yourself, right? … So, we can make this a regular thing, ’cause I know you’re into girls, so we can invite your friend _____ too. I was checking her out tonight and I’d love to see her tits. Wouldn’t you?’ I just got dressed and left.” VC
  2. “I totally had a guy tell me he liked my pussy because the other woman he was sleeping with, her pussy was too tiny. The quote was, ‘See, you have a fat, juicy pussy. (Name withheld) has one of those tiny pussies.’ He said this DURING intercourse. Umm … whackestshitever!” SRT
  3. “I was having sex with a trans dude and he was giving me oral. He started going on about my “cock” and saying that he “loved it” and how my “cock is so beautiful.” Basically, he went into full-on body worship mode about my genitalia. I’m a trans woman. A trans man started body worshipping a trans woman’s genitalia without any consent or conversation and naming it without asking.” UH
  4. “Before I came out as lesbian, I had a male lover insert a foam spermicide into me, but the foam container had ran out. I asked what was happening and he said, ‘Oh, I must have used the last of it on Susan.'” AM (Writer’s Note: For those of you unfamiliar with this contraceptive method — this is not how these things work!)
  5. “‘I wish you had an STD that you could give me. Then I’d really belong to you and I’d never cheat on you.'” It was so beyond weird and out of context and bizarre that the emotional impact was kind of dull. I mean, I’m on top of him, basking on his unspeakably beautiful body, and then, ‘I wish you had an STD.’ All the implications took days to process. I mean, it wasn’t until three days later that I called and was like, ‘Wait, and THEN you’d never cheat on me? Implying that you already have, or would consider it? Maybe I do have an STD. Wait. Wait. Do I?’” ES-V

There’s a huge difference between letting a fart slide in stranger’s bed and saying something hurtful or disrespectful. For one, the latter’s effect lingers much longer. You can dismiss the person in bed with you as just a fling, even a mistake from the previous night — that’s okay, as long as you are respectful. But as a fellow human being, they deserve, at least, the most basic courtesy of not being told something that’s careless at best, or intentionally cruel and abusive at worst. 

TL;DR: Don’t be a dick, especially after you’ve given it. 

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