The “apocalypse” in question is none other than a Trump presidency.
There is a very real chance that Donald Trump will actually win this election.
According to a recent CNN election poll, Trump — following a weeklong catastrophic circus act in Cleveland, Ohio — jumped 6 percentage points to take a 45 to 48 percent lead over Hillary Clinton. This leap was powered, in large part, by independents and uneducated white voters.
Forty-three percent of voters said that Trump’s acceptance speech at the Republican National Convention is an accurate reflection of their feelings about the state of the country.
Seventy-three percent are convinced that America is headed in the wrong direction.
Sixty-eight percent of voters do not trust Clinton. I count myself among that percentage.
It’s probably a good time to begin thinking about what it is we, the people, can do to survive a Trump presidency and make it out on the other end intact. For our part, we’ve been mulling over this question of surviving a Trump presidency and have come up with a few nifty suggestions.
Hopefully, you’ll find them useful and they’ll come in handy in the months to come.
Okay. Here we go.
1. Get saved and make your peace with Jesus.
I got three words for you (well, four, if you break apart the contraction): I’m an atheist. When a die-hard atheist is willing to give The Lord a try, that should definitely tell you something. Nothing better than having Christ by your side to help you navigate your way through the fiery furnaces of hell.
2. Renounce your Hispanic heritage. In public.
And, don’t use your inside voice. Do it big, like that time Prince Akeem renounced his throne to Zamunda for Lisa McDowell on a New York subway train.
3. Bleach your skin.
This one is mainly for “The Blacks.” If you need tips about the process, ask Azealia Banks. She got you.
4. Develop a new spin-off of the popular Law and Order series.
I’m not really sure what this will do except earn you brownie points with the police state that Mr. Trump intends to make.
5. Sneak into an Ice Cube concert and wave a #BlueLivesMatter poster during a performance of “Fuck Tha Police.”
Why? See number 4.
6. Burn your copy of the film “Straight Outta Compton,” or the story of “Fuck Tha Police,” a.k.a. Fuck Blue Lives.
Why? See number 4, again.
7. Join the Ku Klux Klan.
Trust me, becoming a Black white supremacist is totally possible. Ever here of Clayton Bigsby? I rest my case.
8. Start an “I’m One Of Donald Trump’s Black Friends” petition.
Just because there’s literally a petition for everything these days. So, why not one to be Donald Trump’s “black friend.”
9. Get Serena Williams to change her mind about being one of Donald Trump’s “Black friends.”
10. This one is for “The Women.” Auction your uterus and donate the profits to the state-sponsored fund set aside for Trump’s Wall of America.
I mean, since Trump plans to criminalize abortions, you’ll kill two birds with one stone.
11. Retire your state I.D. card and driver’s license and start using your long-form birth certificate to identify yourself.
And these suggestions are just to start.
What do you think? Send us your thoughts on what Americans can do to survive a Trump presidency.