Election disaster preparedness kit

You know the drill.

Duck and cover. Stop, drop and roll. Store fresh water and canned food.

We Americans have grown up with several sets of instructions for what to do in the case of an emergency. Disaster preparedness is part of the fabric of our country. We as a nation are in constant fear of threat, and often times it’s justified. (#sorrynotsorry, open a history book [the real kind, not the high school ones, and nothing from Texas.])

So why is it there seems to be absolutely no guidance to lead us through one of the most potentially disastrous days we as country are forced to face every four years???

This election in particular has garnered the most eye rolls, Twitter feuds and pledges to move out of the country to date. And with a lot of the racist rhetoric and fear-mongering being touted about as political prowess, it’s become, in my opinion, a Category 6 Sh*t Storm on the WTF-o-Meter. I’m scared. Many of my compatriots are equally as scared, and it would seem we have little to no idea what the hell to do in this type of emergency situation.

Well, worry not, partisan people. We’ve got you covered.

Behold!

Your Presidential Disaster Preparedness Kit:

A step-by-step guide for how to navigate election night safely and with as little casualty as possible.

Step 1: EQUIP

You’ll need:

  1. Food (preferably a nice cheese platter or something you won’t mind tossing at your television or computer screen)
  2. Blankets
  3. Rope
  4. A burner phone
  5. A case and half of cheap wine
  6. Friends and family
  7. The number for both the Canadian and Mexican Embassies
  8. A hot water bottle/cold compress
  9. Cough syrup (in case the booze isn’t enough and you just don’t have the will to feel anymore/someone gets a cold)
  10. Sawdust
  11. Life vests
  12. Tampons
  13. A vehicle
  14. Shelter

Step 2: CONGREGATE

There is strength in numbers. Find your family, your loved ones, people walking on the street at the time of the announcement, anyone who needs to be kept safe in a “Purge”-type situation. Treat this like a holiday; invite relatives from out of state, even. God forbid your parents are in a swing state when some faction of the country tries to secede again and mom and dad are demolished in the Battle of Boca or the Great Cleveland Siege. They don’t call swing states “battlegrounds” for nothing. Ensuring everyone is together also allows for a higher survival rate. Strength in numbers, people!

Step 3: RALLY

Remember that case and half of wine in Step 1? Well, definitely get that, and then get a lot more to make this step easier to get through. And for my “green” party people in the states of California, Colorado, Washington and the eight other states with marijuana measures on the ballot this year, YOU my stoner-y friend, may want to stock up on the sticky-icky regardless of the outcome. Whether it’s a celebratory splurge or a surplus stockpile, it’s safe to assume the moments leading up to the big ballot count will be stressful — and this year, they may be catastrophic. So hunker down, brace yourself and really utilize the sustenance available; who knows what the future holds for your right to party.

Related: 5 POC-Friendly Travel Destinations to Help You Ditch Your Election Fatigue

Step 4: EXIT STRATEGY

If immigration reform is an important issue to you, it may very well become the most important issue to you depending on the night’s outcome, so we’ve gathered a few helpful resources to help those of us who will not be forcibly removed from this country find a place that would never think to do something so heinous*^.

(*and has had socialized healthcare for almost half a century.)

(^and has had nationwide legal gay marriage for over a decade now.)

aircanada.com

www.cic.gc.ca/English/

canadavisa.com

immigration.ca

**Side Note: When taking stock of English speaking countries, #neverforget Brexit.

Step 5: TAKE ACTION

No matter the outcome, remember you as a citizen still have your right to protest peacefully, your right to vote for change within your local government (where a lot of real change CAN happen!) and your right to make change whenever and wherever you can. And remember that this election should not divide us, but show us just how much we really need to come together. Don’t forget about #NoDAPL and #BlackLivesMatter and the #LGBTQIA+ community after this election because the fight for liberty is constant.

We know this election season has been a circus, but I think it’s shown a lot of us the real issues within our country’s structure has and given us all a big push to fight for the things we as a nation and people want and need to be truly great. America has so much potential, but it’s had a rough upbringing, to say the least. Whatever you do in order to prepare for election night, please, we urge you, get out and vote, because you and your voice matter.

Wear Your Voice. #WearYourVOTE.

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