By Lu C. Huynh
The internet dating scene is full of dick pics, and you plan to online date, it’s best to accept this now. Let’s not confuse things. There’s a time and place for perversion; perversion is not bad. Kinky public sex, naughty escapades in the workplace, doing that cosplay shit that involves latex. I’m pro-sex and pro-perv.
It’s possible, though, that in an initial message to someone whom you plan to date, you may want to save your level 10 pervert moves for after there’s been some assessment time on both sides of the computer screen. I may be alone in this assertion, because as my inbox demonstrates, a good majority of the men who message me online start our romance off with vivid details about things that their genitals are going to do to me. Of course, this is a two-way street, and some men will include what sexual acts I could perform on them. Because equality. It’s 2016 and let me be the millionth person to say that today’s modern romance dance moves are depressing AF.
Perhaps the problems lie in that there isn’t a manual on how to get down with this online dating scene. In my fantasy about how the world works, I imagine that online dating was born during the lunchtime of some goofy looking computer engineer at Lockheed Martin, who was tooling around, coding out of boredom when he wrote the first online dating software platform, exclaiming huzzah, and quitting that day to make millions. I say he, not because women couldn’t have engineered online dating, but because it seems more like a dude move to design a plane and to forget to add seats and safety instructions. They had the technology to get people to the dating party, but no music for folks to dance to once the party started. Instead, men just flounce around online with their penises flopping about, feeling dejected and bitter by the many rejections they get from women looking for a real connection. Pair that with the occasional response from a woman who actually wants casual sex and it’s no wonder this whole online dating thing is like trying to unsee one of those hideous hipster outfit combos of plaid, floral, and goth. It’s just too much.
I get the confusion. A lot of dating sites have the option to let other daters know you’re searching for casual sex. The problem is that a solid majority of daters (mostly men), don’t read profiles. They look at a picture of a moderately attractive girl and, pulling on their most romantic wit, write, “I want to put my dick in you”. Gone are the days of hello, except in an Adele song I play on repeat to remind myself that I, too, can fall in love with someone, then let them slip away until all I have is a cabin of dust to remind myself of our sweet, sweet love that I had but somehow fucked up. Damn.
Why is it such a struggle for women to be afforded something that is their right to have: respect? Why is it not common sense to start an online interaction that begins with hello? It’s a tragedy that I have to wonder these things aloud because dating has devolved. Maybe I want the option of deciding when to engage in sexual flirtation. I’m going to guess that even the online dater who wants a casual sexual encounter with someone wouldn’t mind a little pre-game humanitarian back-and-forth conversation. If nothing else, I ask the man who has the urge to write a dick-hello to, instead, masturbate, put his pants back on, wash his hands, and then write me something socially acceptable that he wouldn’t have to hang his head in shame about if it got published for his female friends to see. They say you catch more bees with honey, so, let’s all get into that honeycomb situation. It’s at least worth a try.