1. Made a to-do list of all the things I have to do today.
  2. Crossed off “make a to-do list” from my to-do list.
  3. Added “clean up desk” to my to-do list.
  4. Started cleaning up my desk.
  5. Found seven half-finished to-do lists on my desk.
  6. Made a new to-do list of all the unfinished tasks from my seven previous to-do lists.
  7. Made another to-do list combining today’s to-dos with the unfinished to-dos from the previous lists.
  8. Noticed a significant hole in the wooden frame of the window above my desk, realized that’s why the sunroom is so drafty and decided to duct tape it instead of bothering the landlord.
  9. Went outside to smoke a cigarette.
  10. Re-wrote my to-do list because it was kind of messy.
  11. Lit a stick of incense.
  12. Got annoyed with the worn plastic bag storing the incense, searched through the cabinet above the fridge to find a vase for better storage.
  13. Carefully arranged my incense sticks in the vase and displayed the vase on the end table to the left of the couch.
  14. Moved the end table to the right of the couch because maybe it would work better there.
  15. Played three games in Words with Friends.
  16. Relit the incense stick that had gone out.
  17. Reviewed to-do list and numbered each task in order of priority.
  18. Rewrote to-do list in order of priority.
  19. Checked my Gmail spam folder.
  20. Refreshed Words with Friends to see if maybe someone had played me back and I’d missed the notification.
  21. Started two new Words with Friends games with strangers.
  22. Moved the end table back to the left of the couch because it really made more sense over there and I should trust my instincts.
  23. Finished three crossword puzzles in the New York Times app while waiting for someone to play me back in Words with Friends.
  24. Kept getting distracted by the Woody Guthrie song “Mean Talking Blues” stuck in my head.
  25. Listened to the Woody Guthrie song “Mean Talking Blues.”
  26. Inspired by the Woody Guthrie song “Mean Talking Blues,” made a Spotify playlist of funny songs.
  27. Phew! Took a much-deserved break.
  28. Re-ordered to-do list in order of easiest to hardest.
  29. Skimmed through the 30 articles I’ve saved on Facebook in the last week, opened six of them in new tabs to read later.
  30. Remembered my agent asked me a month ago to add my new headshots to the audition sites.
  31. Added “add new headshots to audition sites” to to-do list, in all caps.
  32. Checked the time and realized that, somehow, two hours had gone by.
  33. Googled “time-management techniques” and “how to beat procrastination.” Saved three articles to read later.
  34. Checked the news, read an article about Trump nominating another right-wing-Nazi-politically-inexperienced-terrifying-monster to his Cabinet, went through my daily freakout that this is actually happening and it’s terrifying and it really is real and ahhhh I don’t even know what to do with myself.
  35. Went outside to smoke a cigarette.
  36. Thought about Trump some more and how maybe the world is gonna end and then I’ll be dead and I won’t ever have to finish this to-do list.
  37. Felt guilty about that last thought.
  38. Donated $25 to Planned Parenthood.
  39. Made a detailed spreadsheet of goals and ways I’m going to improve my life, self and time-management by eating better, quitting smoking, following a sleep schedule, finally doing The Artist’s Way all the way through, volunteering, maybe even trying meditating again, doing that salt scrub and herbal steam my bodywork/herbalist friend Willa taught me about a year and a half ago when I traded her IT work for a session.
  40. Made a note on my long-term to-do list to check in with Willa about another session.
  41. Propped up my phone against a book on my desk and took six photos of my butt until one was sexy and unblurry enough to send to my partner.
  42. Made a video of funny faces and fart noises and “I love yous” for my nephew and texted it to his mom.
  43. Got a dirty response to my butt selfie, swooned a little, got a little horny, but decided not to masturbate because I am being so productive and I have to stay focused.
  44. Got a video back of my four-and-half-year-old nephew saying “I love you! Fart chicken!” over and over and laughed just as hard as I did when he started saying “fart chicken” at age two.
  45. Realized I still haven’t watched my awesome brother’s new online talk show and felt guilty because he is the best and I’m sure it’s really funny.
  46. Texted my brother to let him know I still haven’t watched his show but it’s on my to-do list and I love him.
  47. Made sure “watch Dylan’s new talk show” was on my long-term to-do list.
  48. Cleaned out main email account, realized the deadline to apply for a comedy festival, the deadline that seemed so far away when I made a note of it, passed two days ago.
  49. Started searching through my “comedy videos” folder to see if I even have a decent, recent video to submit to festivals.
  50. Came up with the idea of writing this article instead of my approved pitches that were due days ago.

Ash Fisher is a comedian, actor and writer. She is not a comedienne, actress or writeress. Find her at ashfisherhaha.com.

 

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