drakeEvery now and then, I forget that we don’t love these breezies and I fall for the forehead kisses and smiley face emojis then fuck around and find myself with a bruised ego. Doesn’t happen often,* but when it does, sometimes what you need most is your best friend and some booze. On the heels of a hellish week at work and a situationship, I’m one half of seemingly imploding (hella hyperbole), I figure the only thing I can do to get my head back in the game is to get out on the open road and spend a day with my best friend. I don’t want to sit at home waiting for old buddy to not text me and eat too much chips and guacamole. It was clear it was time for a Drake-cation. A Drake-cation allows you to be all in your feelings for less than 48 hours (mine was 42) around people who aren’t going to make you feel dumb about it. Drake-cations are great when you’re “feeling some type of way” and don’t really wanna do anything ridiculous.

Preparation

Car – Get any critical maintenance completed on your car before taking off – you don’t wanna be one of those capital L losers stuck on the side of the road.

The Route – I’m driving from Oakland, CA down to Long Beach, CA which is 394 miles the vast majority of which take me down Highway 5 through the Central Valley.

Soundtrack – As the title of this post indicates the primary soundtrack for this expedition will be none other than the great Marvin’s himself, Aubrey Graham. Dizzy Drake provides the right amount of opportunities to emphasize how much you don’t love these breezies and then take it down a notch and sing along to such crooney classics as “Find Your Love.” Because Sprint does not want you to be great make sure you make available offline on your Spotify because you’ll be pretty sad when you can’t access any music for 70% of the trip. Feel free to have other music on hand but Drake is the foundation of this trip.

Ensemble – I chose to rock my new outfit from Fabletics, a fresh face, a red lip and some aviators because I might be a little broken hearted but I’m still fly goddamnit.

Agenda

Hour 0 Decide that you can’t stand the sight of the four walls of your loft for one more second and hit up your BFF 

textto see if you can come down and spend the weekend with her. Pack a bag, grab a bottle of 12 year aged rum and get your ass in the car. Pick up an iced coffee and some water from your favorite neighborhood cafe, let them know you’re heading to LA, joke about the traffic. Fill the gas tank up and merge onto I-580.

Hour 1 You’re feeling good so far, excited to be getting out of the Bay for the weekend, looking forward to seeing your girl, and at this point you still have cell service so you’re listening to some ratchet ass hip-hop on Pandora to get you through the Bay Area traffic. Bitch about how slow people are going, look forward to LA drivers. Try to remember not to absent-mindedly scroll through your timeline, focus on the road. Iced coffee is gone at this point. You switch to water. Hop on a conference call, thoughtfully contribute to the conversation, remain your boss ass self at all times.

LAHour 3 Lose cell service and drop conference call, text to let them know you’ll check the meeting notes later. Switch over to Spotify and start with Take Care, the Drakiest of Drakes. Realize you have to pee. Wonder what dude is up to. Resist the urge to find out. Stop for gas and bathroom. Get back on road. Go between 80 and 90mph, get annoyed when people ride in the left lane going 70. See signs in the Central Valley about the CA water crisis, determine they are severely misinformed. Wonder if they know what Climate Change is. Think about an article you read about CA only having one more year left of water. Resolve to conserve more water. Resolve to drink more water though. You have to pee again. Hold it. Resolve to pee more. You’re about half way through Take Care,  sing “I’m just sayinnnnnn you can do bettterrrrrrr” loudly. Look at clock. Put your arms behind your head, notice you forgot to shave your armpits. Resolve to shave your armpits when you get back from LA. Touch the window to see how hot it is outside. It’s hot. Look at clock again and realize it’s only been two minutes. Shift in your seat and mumble “fuuuuck.” to yourself.

Hour 4 You’re hungry. Carl’s Jr. is ahead. Stop off. Order a burger that comes with onion rings on it. Get fries also, eat 70% of it. Feel awful. Get more gas. See black people at gas station. Black people head nod to one another. Text your LA boos and let them know you’re headed to their city. Wonder if you’ll see any of them.

Hour 5 You’re at the Grapevine now. Fuck the Grapevine. Wonder how many cars overheat everyday. Feel grateful you have a good car (thanks Mom!). Make it through the Grapevine and into LA County. Take 4 different freeways until you get into Long Beach.

Hour 7-15 Give your BFF a big hug. Order a sausage and green pepper pizza AND some cheesy bread (YOLO). Pick up ice cream (Peanut butter with Reese’s peanut butter cups OBVS). Pour a strong Rum and Coke. Tell your BFF everything. Listen to her play devil’s advocate. Concede some ownership in the disagreement. File the points made away for when you hopefully talk to dude again. Sleep like a rock.

Hour 16-18 Convince your BFF you should go work out before heading to brunch. Workout. Eat all the breakfast burrito. You smell like death. Resolve to never do that again.

poolsideHour 17-24 Drink and be merry at the BFF’s Roommates Parents’ pool. Realize you have had mostly rum and zero water. Resolve again to drink more water. Discuss politics and race with the parents. Try to not let it get out of hand. 

Hour 25-32 Sleep like a rock.

Hour 33 Decide that you should probably head back to Oakland because there’s a lot of shit you need to do. Remember your priorities. Boss up and get this money. Text dude you’re mad at. Consider hitting up one of your LA fuckbuddies for a quick visit. Decide to get an omelette instead.

Hour 34 Go to your most favorite breakfast place in Brentwood, Amandine on your way back home. Remember how you want to live in Brentwood. Remember how you need to make more money to be able to do that. Think of a master plan.

Hour 35-38 Think about sex. Think about sex with the dude you’re mad at. Get mad that you’re thinking about sex with the dude you’re mad at. Play chicken with the douchebag in the Mercedes. You THOUGHT you were gonna pass me, bruh. Thought. You have to pee like 4 times. Realize how bumpy the highway is suddenly. Stop off at McDonald’s. Discover they now have some Ranch flavored powder you can dust on your fries. Assume it’s filled with chemicals. Get it anyway.

Hour 39-41 Freestyle rap about traffic to “No Tellin’”. Reach the end of the Drake catalogue and wonder how/why you somehow made French Montana available offline. Decide you’re a Trap Queen and indulge in the Coke Boy fuckery streaming through your speakers. Decide French Montana is terrible and thank the heavens that you just got service back so you can play something else. You’re in the home stretch now.

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Hour 42 Arrive at home. Resolve to make things right with the dude you’re mad at because he’s dope as shit and fucks your brains out on the reg. Collapse onto your couch and take a bitchin’ nap. It’s still M.O.B. tho. All day erry damn day.

  • Scoreboard:
  • Resolutions – 7
  • Rum and Cokes (mostly rums) consumed – all of them
  • Breakfast burritos demolished – 1 (2 if you count the one you ate while waiting for your oil change before leaving town)
  • Texts sent to ol buddy – 1

*Happens all the time.

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