I normally love prints. Flower prints, sailboat prints, little polka dots, big polka dots, dotted swiss, houndstooth, gingham, you name it. But once in a while, I give my coworkers and friends a chance to rest their eyeballs for a day or two, and wear black. But black itself doesn’t really hold my interest. Not by itself. So I’m letting you in on my secrets, gained through long and hard years of trial and failure. They are almost fail-safe. Use them wisely, and never be boring again.

I won’t draw out the suspense any longer about my number one fave.

It’s COLORED TIGHTS!

 

colored tights

This is only part of my collection.

I have tights in every shade of the rainbow, and I’ll likely keep adding to my collection every time I stop by a Target. (I KNOW, Target is evil, and The Man, and doesn’t pay their employees enough…sometimes I just need $5 tights. Lady’s on a budget.)

colored pink tights stockings

Pardon the shithole kitchen of someone who lives with 5 other roommates.

Fun Hair

If you have long hair like I do, there are infinite possibilities here. (I’m using “infinite” in a loose, totally inaccurate way.) If you don’t have long hair, feel free to skip on down to the next tip. Or feel free to admire my silky and lustrous locks anyway.

 

Milkmaid Braids!

 

braid crown
 A hair bow!

 

(This is insanely easy, actually. Check it.)

 

hair bow
Rock ‘n Rolls!

 

loose roll hairstyle

Clearly, this also works for an LRD.

BIG Hair!

 

I like to braid my hair tightly the night before, then free my long locks in the morning, and then BRUSH IT. I know brushing it is supposed to be a cardinal sin because it gets huge, frizzy, and makes my head look like a triangle, but this is the look I’m going for. My old boss (a delightful broad, with a loud mouth and a blunt, motherly way about her) would call me “Chaka Khan” when I came to the office like this. (NB: I am by no means saying I am as gorgeous as Ms. Khan. My boss said it, not me!)

 

big frizzy hair

No lie, this is actually the look I’m going for.

 

Cheeky Earrings

Now’s the time for them! Those earrings you are too shy, too retiring, to wear to work or to Safeway. Be bold, little mouse! The bigger, the better.

 

leaf earrings

These aren’t earth-shattering earrings, but they’re fun, and running with a black and gold theme is easy and glam. A touch of gold eyeliner helps.

Not to plug myself but…let me plug myself a little bit here with some, if I may say so, FANTASTIC earring ideas.

 

Lipstick you can see from Outer Space

 

I’m more of a “lips” lady than an eyes one. I think this is because when I’m running out the door in the mornings, it’s much easier to swipe on some bright lip stain at a stop light than try to apply eyeshadow, liner, and mascara while biking. Also, I suck at applying eyeshadow and liner. Also, sometimes when I’m biking to work, my spring time allergies make me cry and even the small amount of mascara I wear starts to run and then I have to assure everyone at work that I’m fine and that I wasn’t watching sad laboratory beagle rescue videos again. Wait, why am I trying to explain myself to you? I don’t have to justify my makeup habits to YOU! Gee whiz.

 

lipstick and blue hair
As you can see here, I chose to use both big Chaka Khan hair AND zany purple lipstick. I was doing a show with my choir, and really wanted to show all those other broads on stage how to get all the attention.
The look you want to go for here is a punch in the face of lips, floating in a ghostly fashion over a swath of black dress. If that doesn’t sound nice, I don’t know WHAT does.

 

Deep oxblood red, bright purple, this season’s hottest lip color orange: lipstick is my number one (and only) makeup addiction, and it can completely make an outfit.

 

So go forth and conquer that boring little black dress! Or just…you know, don’t wear an LBD in the first place. But I know some of you guys just can’t quit them, so at least give it pizzazz!

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