Shorts! Does the word strike terror into your heart? Do you clasp your thighs in dismay? Reflexively try to tie a sweatshirt around your waist to hide your butt?

 

I used to be like you. I’m short, I have an average amount of booty ‘n hips, and I’ve never liked highlighting my stems. But I hate feeling like any fashion is off-limits to me: why should the tall, cool glasses of water have all the fun? We should ALL wear shorts just to prove we can. Let’s ease into it with this beautiful concept: shorts that don’t look like shorts!

 

1) Surprise Shorts

 

floral skirt
What’s this? A fair maiden, unnatural of hair and short of stature, wandering through a treacherous and should-have-been-cleaned-a-while-ago terrain? Surely she is in danger of tripping over an extension cord and exposing her undergarments to passerby?!

 

surprise shorts
NOPE! Cuz these are SHORTS, mothafucka. You’ll see my knickers when I CHOOSE to let you see them, and not one second sooner! I adore biking all over town in these floral fancies, unafraid of local pervs peering up in my business. Plus, it has an elastic waistband, and a faux-bow at the waist to fool people into thinking it doesn’t!

 

Next, let me point you to a local option:

 

2) Vintage Shortsstriped vintage shorts

 

You can get these lovely shorts at All Things Vintage, a delightful, over-stuffed jewelry box of a store. They’re a little bit circus, a little bit rock ‘n rock, and a whole lotta look. I’m also seeing a little “sultry Mickey Mouse” here but perhaps that’s just me.

 

A fun, bright pair of vintage shorts can be the focus of your picnic outfit. I’m not a huge fan of crop tops, but they seem to be a trend with sticking power, and this is a good place to deploy one!

 

3) Difficult Shorts

 

These shorts are so real that I hesitated before publishing photographic evidence of myself in them. They’re form-fitting, white, and high-waisted. The trifecta of danger. But I’m treating this as a trial by fire for myself. I’m a person who has obsessed and fretted and pulled out eyelashes in anguish over how I look in photos.
high-waisted vintage

Your suspicions are confirmed: I don’t own an iron.

But…a photo is just a photo, right? And when I’m a sassy, sage octogenarian I’m sure I’ll look back on photos of myself and wonder why was I so fussed about how my ass looks in white shorts. So enjoy some Schadenfreude at my attempts at posing like a shorts-wearing pin-up, and if that doesn’t make you feel a little better about yourself, I don’t know what will.

 

One final piece of advice: wear some cute, comfortable flats. Shorts should be breezy and fun: they’re for beach parties and day drinking at parks and biking to the library and warm summer evening walks. Don’t try to get too fancy.

 

Some of my faves.

Some of my faves.

So I hope you’re ready to take on shorts this summer! Remember, it could always have been worse: it could have been JORTS.

 

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