Shorts! Does the word strike terror into your heart? Do you clasp your thighs in dismay? Reflexively try to tie a sweatshirt around your waist to hide your butt?
I used to be like you. I’m short, I have an average amount of booty ‘n hips, and I’ve never liked highlighting my stems. But I hate feeling like any fashion is off-limits to me: why should the tall, cool glasses of water have all the fun? We should ALL wear shorts just to prove we can. Let’s ease into it with this beautiful concept: shorts that don’t look like shorts!
1) Surprise Shorts
What’s this? A fair maiden, unnatural of hair and short of stature, wandering through a treacherous and should-have-been-cleaned-a-while-ago terrain? Surely she is in danger of tripping over an extension cord and exposing her undergarments to passerby?!
NOPE! Cuz these are SHORTS, mothafucka. You’ll see my knickers when I CHOOSE to let you see them, and not one second sooner! I adore biking all over town in these floral fancies, unafraid of local pervs peering up in my business. Plus, it has an elastic waistband, and a faux-bow at the waist to fool people into thinking it doesn’t!
Next, let me point you to a local option:
You can get these lovely shorts at All Things Vintage, a delightful, over-stuffed jewelry box of a store. They’re a little bit circus, a little bit rock ‘n rock, and a whole lotta look. I’m also seeing a little “sultry Mickey Mouse” here but perhaps that’s just me.
A fun, bright pair of vintage shorts can be the focus of your picnic outfit. I’m not a huge fan of crop tops, but they seem to be a trend with sticking power, and this is a good place to deploy one!
3) Difficult Shorts
These shorts are so real that I hesitated before publishing photographic evidence of myself in them. They’re form-fitting, white, and high-waisted. The trifecta of danger. But I’m treating this as a trial by fire for myself. I’m a person who has obsessed and fretted and pulled out eyelashes in anguish over how I look in photos.
But…a photo is just a photo, right? And when I’m a sassy, sage octogenarian I’m sure I’ll look back on photos of myself and wonder why was I so fussed about how my ass looks in white shorts. So enjoy some Schadenfreude at my attempts at posing like a shorts-wearing pin-up, and if that doesn’t make you feel a little better about yourself, I don’t know what will.
One final piece of advice: wear some cute, comfortable flats. Shorts should be breezy and fun: they’re for beach parties and day drinking at parks and biking to the library and warm summer evening walks. Don’t try to get too fancy.
So I hope you’re ready to take on shorts this summer! Remember, it could always have been worse: it could have been JORTS.