It’s wedding season! Yes, STILL. I’ve realized that wedding season is something like May through October, with slight peaks in June and September. And actually, winter weddings are becoming more of a thing lately, so it’s starting to look like wedding season is roughly…ages 25 through 39.
What outfit to wear, as a wedding guest? You’ll be appearing in approximately 1100 photographs, so it’s an important decision unless you have really super great self-esteem. Here’s my favorite fall-back option:
HAHAHAHA I’m such a jester. Of course I kid; I would never want to end my day staked through the heart with a wedding cake topper. The only real rules I have for myself are: 1) No White, and 2) No Black. If you want some inspiration for your next wedding, though, read on for 3 case studies!
1) The Barn Wedding
If your friends are fairly hip, decorate their house with succulents, and one or both of them has a Pinterest wedding board, you’re probably going to go to a barn wedding at some point. Prepare yourself for Mason jars…oh, so many Mason jars.
With added cat, for internet approval.
This vintage Gunne Sax dress (a hand-me down from my aunt- score!) is a little bit country, a little bit Little House on the Prairie, and hence, totally on-theme. Another nice thing about barn weddings? It’s acceptable to wear comfy boots. These boots were made for dancin’…the Chicken Dance, that is.
If you’re ever in Sonoma County and need boots, Aubergine is the capital city of Bootsylvania.
These boots are scuffed from doing the gritty, rugged stuff boots are made for. You know, like stomping petulantly on a dusty sidewalk, or intimidating children at playgrounds so I can use the swings.
2) The Church Wedding
Ready for a dry wedding? I didn’t think so. My advice: bring a flask and be prepared to share. Church weddings, like death and taxes, still happen, although it’s getting rarer and rarer as people realize that God is dead. Still, you don’t want to offend anyone’s great-aunt, so I’d suggest modest separates in my current favorite color combo: green and blue. Sounds a little mermaid-y, especially paired with my current hair, but ain’t nothing wrong with that.
I like an accent of yellow in the shoes, as well as a tiny bit of extra height:
God, I’m an ARTISTE.
3) The Outdoorsy Wedding
Got friends who go to Burning Man and wear a lot of yoga pants? Probably gonna have a wedding in a forest. Other options: beach or meadow. Or meadow in a forest! Or a very small ocean inside a very large meadow.
How about some semi-formal pants and a slightly Boho blouse? In general, Boho is not my bag, but a hippie wedding is really the best time to give it a shot. I like this simple, creamy little number with a free-spirited fringe:
“Find me on Etsy before it’s too late!” says this helpful shirt.
I’m not sure how I feel about culottes: they’re either great or horrific. If they fit well, though, they’re like the best of a skirt + the best of pants! So make sure they fit well (sitting at the narrowest part of your waist slim cut around the hips) and go for a whimsical, delicate vintage pattern like this one:
If you like these, they might still be available on Etsy!
I’d wear flats that can easily slip off, so that once the ceremony is over you can embrace your inner ocean spirit and dip your toes in the sea until realizing the Pacific is nice to look at but fucking freezing. I love these dainty golden slippers that make me feel like some sort of elf, possibly named Twinkletoes:
They’re a bit beat up because I love them so.
It’s been about 5 years since I had to step foot in church, so let me know if I’ll be smited for this outfit.
So, good luck, fellow wedding guests! Remember, don’t catch the bouquet, bring a flask just in case, and have fun. Only a decade to go before you’re free at last.