Taylor Swift with an Apple.

by Amanda Johnson

Taylor Swift’s vagina is not a weapon in your ratings war.

Practically the second “Hiddleswift” broke up, I knew about it (hell, even people who didn’t know what Hiddleswift IS knew about it), thanks to the trending feature of just about everything. I reflected on how much shittier break-ups must be in the public eye, wondered what her next album would sound like, considered my odds of snagging Tom for myself (ooooh, so low) and then proceeded to filter out any further mention of the situation.

Until this morning.

Relationships (famous or otherwise) are always a popular topic on radio shows, so when I flipped to the local alternative station and the primary douchebag was talking about Hiddleswift’s parting of the ways on his segment, “Things Guys Don’t Give a *BLEEP* About,” I wasn’t surprised. Gossip is gossip, and people want to hear it, no matter what type of music they listen to. It wasn’t until he explained his brilliant deduction as to the reason behind the end of the three-month relationship that I wanted to punch my car’s console.

The uber-classy comedic genius insisted that Tom Hiddleston had found out what so many have apparently known all along: “Taylor Swift’s vagina is deformed and devoid of pleasure.”

Are you fucking serious?

Look, I get that it’s a pain in the ass to have to “report” on things you give no fucks about, and he probably thinks the only thing stupider than the “information” is the people who give a shit about it, BUT FUCKING REALLY?

Related: A Liar, A Scammer: Swift is “That Bitch” who Lives for White Feminism

I thought I’d heard it all: she’s a slut, she’s a crazy bitch, she just dates/sleeps around to get song fodder, she’s just putting on the nice-girl act, etc. Misogynistic, sexist, double-standard bullshit, table for a fuckton, please.

But deformed vagina? That’s right up there with a malicious ex talking about someone sporting a little dick — except this sterling example of humanity has absolutely no relationship with Taylor WHATSOEVER; he’s just some stranger “joking” about a twenty-something girl’s genitalia in a suspiciously retaliatory-sounding manner.  

Who hurt you, sir?

It’s pretty difficult for me to take the high road here (and trust me, I have been), because I’m so tired of this shit — and it only seems to be getting worse.  

Remember when people were merely appalled by Jessica Simpson spending the night with Adam Levine in a hotel room? Or when they were just sad that Brittany obviously was no longer a virgin? They’d call the ladies out on their supposed hypocrisy (don’t get me started) and loose behavior (don’t EVEN get me started), maybe even throw a few harsh labels around.

Now? Asshats who are desperately trying to keep their listening numbers up and their advertising contracts intact will say the most disgusting and despicable things possible about a stranger’s vag AND THINK THAT IT’S OKAY.

Of course, women have been slowly but surely taking back the term “slut,” so what can misogynistic twatwaffles do but take things a step further? Why try to shame a woman for what she does with her vagina when you can insult the actual vagina itself? No one can be proud of a “deformed” vagina, right? Especially when the deformity creates a pleasure void? And, I mean, that’s all we ladies are good for in the end, isn’t it? How much pleasure we can dole out with our pussies?

Someone give this man a gold medal in the Olympic sport of objectification!

Yes, I know that I could just chalk it up to this one DJ being a douchecanoe and go on my merry way. But the thing is, he wouldn’t say something like that if he didn’t think it could have a potentially positive effect on his listening numbers — and not just in the shock-jock, a la Howard Stern, manner. This guy says shit like this like he’s talking to his people, his tribe. And just because I immediately changed the station doesn’t mean anyone else did; I’m sure there are many who didn’t, who actually laughed right along with him at his oh-so-clever cut. (Seriously, it’s right up there with the creativity level and brain power required to taunt an obese person by calling them “fatty.”)

Instead of being like, “Oh, that sucks,” because most people have experienced and remember the pain of a breakup, and treating this as a “news” story about a fellow human being, he chose to insult a stranger in the basest way possible. And I have absolutely no doubt he’s far from the only one.

This shit right here is why I need feminism; it’s why we all fucking need feminism.

Amanda S. Johnson engages in freelance writing when she’s not busy raising her evil genius spectrum child, helping strengthen her local atheist community or being distracted by whatever she’s researching that day. You can find her on Twitter @asjohnson6983 or at www.amandasjohnson.com.

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