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Image Credit: Flickr user Emily via Creative Commons 

One would not think that acupuncture, certain bodily fluids, and irrigating ones’ sinuses could improve your overall beauty, but these unlikely practices can and do work. You have to think about what is going on inside of your body before you start taking care of the outside.

@jodivaughnmuah defying time and age. Photo by Jodi Vaughn, used with permission.

@jodivaughnmuah defying time and age. Photo by Jodi Vaughn, used with permission.

Jodi Vaughn is a very dear friend of mine who is a brilliant hair stylist and makeup artist that has been working in the industry for over fifteen years. She recently began acupuncture for its anti-aging benefits and has seen brilliant results. For a lot of people, the thought of pins or needles anywhere near their body is enough to send them running and screaming in the opposite direction, but not Jodi. Then again, the idea of aging and fine lines may have that effect for others. Having turned 31 this year, I am right in the sweet spot for beginning a preventative care regiment. Why spend $60+ on potential snake oil creams that only treat the surface when I could be treating myself with techniques that have been proven time and time again with historical practices to back it up?

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Ageless beauties like Jennifer Aniston are using it for health and beauty benefits rather than leaning on things like botox and surgery. According to Jodi Vaughn, she has experienced a disappearance of fine lines, a beautiful skin glow, and plumper lips. Look at this babe! Mid-30’s or Mid-20’s? I’m not telling and neither is that face!

While I am not against either of those things, why fuck with putting botulism in your face to paralyze muscles if you can just go in and get acupuncture? Here’s the rub: those itty bitty baby needles are placed at important pressure points which release endorphins. The insertion of these needles stimulates much needed blood circulation along with collagen and cell growth. Endorphins are nature’s anti-depressants which also do wonders for your skin. You know that killer glow that you get after great sex or rubbing one out? Endorphins, baby! It is also worth knowing that if you and your long-term partner are going au naturel, you can look forward to absortion of oxytocin, prolactin, and serotonin via a male partner’s baby batter.

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Speaking of sex, semen is great for your skin. Sorry not sorry – it just is, folks. The amino acids that come from one of the major building blocks of life also come with anti-oxidants in the form of spermine. I needed to speak to someone a little further about this, so I called upon a dear friend who went to school for esthetics who had alluded to practicing this taboo beauty practice. “Aside from the obvious benefits of making me feel closer to my partner and pleasing both of us within our top/bottom dynamic, letting my partner finish on my face has always had great skin benefits! I always find my skin to feel super soft, look clearer, and be less sensitive after a good facial. It helps with redness, too, although perhaps that is just the effect of gradually cooling,” Zora Hayes explained.

You don’t have to be a blowjob queen to get this effect, but you might have to shell out some serious dough to get a synthesized effect. You know who else knows about the effects of spermine, even if it is lab-synthesized? Skincare giants Chanel and Elizabeth Arden, as well as many others. You can look forward to shelling out about $150-200 for this kind of thing. People do some weird stuff with semen. I say this in absolute earnst – if you are with a consenting, penis-equipped partner and into that kind of thing, why not consider incorporating it as part of your beauty routine?

After moving to California, I have experienced both extreme puffiness and financial straits. I keep telling people that I am allergic to California, not matter how much I like it and how much local honey I ingest as a way to try to acclimate myself to local allergens. My solution to reducing puffiness around my eyes and cheeks has been to break out the neti pot. Don’t get me wrong – using a neti pot absolutely sucks. Forcing saline solution through each nostril until it goes so high that it comes out your other nostril is not my idea of a good time. You know what is worse? Swollen sinuses, bags under my eyes, pain, and mucus. Quit being a damn baby. I have actually made this part of my daily routine and IT WORKS. When I do not use it during allergy season, my entire face is puffy and yucky. After a while, you get used to it. I feel accomplished afterward and it wakes me up. My body may have developed some Stockholm Syndrome-like relationship with my neti pot, but the brief irritation is worth it for the overall benefits.

Neti pots have been used for a very, very long time to relieve sinus pain through nasal irrigation. My former doctor in Portland, Dr. Paul C. Gowen at NARA, recommended daily use to fight my chronic sinusitis. Their practice was centered around holistic remedies and this was a major part of it. My doctor even gave me a recipe for the powder to mix with warm distilled (pre-boiled or purchased) water (never tap due to potential bacteria, rust, etc): 3 teaspoons of non-iodized salt (sea salt or epsom) to 1 teaspoon of baking soda, mixed well with 8 ounces of warm water. That’s it! It is worth noting that the American Academy of Asthma, Allergies, and Immunology also backs this practice.

So, what exactly am I suggesting that you do for all-natural skin care? Have a licensed professional put needles in your face, practice sexy facials, and push all of the yuck out of your nose with a blast of salt water. Once you can get past the yuck factor of some of these practices, you can count on less swelling, higher collagen production, and less visible fine lines. Put your money into healthier practices like acupuncture and nasal irrigation and the rest of your body will thank you for it.

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