There are no traditions associated with celebrating Women’s History Month, so I’d like to propose some. Like free bleeding and breaking glass.
Happy Women’s History Month! Wow, a whole 31 days every year where the mainstream media releases halfhearted lists of cool ladies you should hear about year-round.
There are no traditions associated with celebrating Women’s History Month, so I’d like to propose some. I thought about some of my favorite parts about being a woman, and compiled this completely serious, not-at-all-tongue-in-cheek, very real guide to celebrating Women’s History Month — because I am a humorless feminist and everything I do is very serious and I hate men. Enjoy!
1. Charge for the emotional labor you do for men/masc folks.
Women and femmes are often expected to provide emotional labor for men/masc folks in the forms of listening, validating, comforting, etc. It’s exhausting spending so much time making men feel comfortable. Check out this list of 50 acts of emotional labor and figure out your rates. Perhaps $20 for every five minutes you’re mansplained to and the man expects you to act like he just blew your mind telling you about that thing you already know about? I’d be rich from emotional labor with those rates.
2. Free bleed.
If you are a woman who gets a period, you will likely get it at some point in March. Most men don’t menstruate, and don’t know much about it. Why not teach them about it by forgoing tampons, pads and your Diva Cup this cycle? When a cashier or acquaintance asks how you are, answer honestly and loudly, “I’m on the heaviest day of my period, it feels like my uterus is in a vice and I have like six zits and I feel fat and I’m cranky, thank you for asking!” If you’re more introverted, let your blood-stained pants, skirt or legs speak for themselves. Wear white for maximum effect.
Related: Four Reasons Period Sex is Awesome
3. Show off your driving skills.
We all know that women are terrible drivers, right? We learned this from standup comedy and bad sitcoms and many men who love sharing their opinions. Gosh, look at the data, women might as well be driving blindfolded! I mean, women get a whole 32 percent of the DUIs in the U.S.! That means men only get over two-thirds, that’s barely a large majority! Women also get into fewer accidents, get fewer speeding tickets and, as a result, we have cheaper car insurance. Celebrate the fact that women are actually better drivers by continuing to be better at it than men. Smile every time you pay your car insurance bill, knowing you are paying a lower rate than most men.
4. Give up on having it all.
Ah, the classic, barely achievable goal of “having it all.” “All,” of course means a career, kids and a husband. Not included: happiness, personal fulfillment, alone time, hobbies, passions, the freedom to pick and choose what you want for your own life. There’s no room in “all” for those of us who are happily childless, are queer, don’t desire a partner or for whom a job is just a job. Since having it all is essentially unattainable, let it go. Think about what you have that you’re grateful for and what else you’d like to achieve. Or maybe you do have it all, however you define it. I just realized I sort of have it all: a loving partner, no kids, and I’m following my artistic dreams. Once my partner gets me my corgi puppy, I will be complete.
5. Watch feminist porn/masturbate.
Women are supposed to be the gatekeepers of sex and not want sex ourselves. But most of us are indeed sexual beings and we enjoy pleasure. It’s just so pleasurable! Pull up some feminist porn, like the award-winning Crashpad Series, and pull down your pants. If you don’t like porn, masturbate while fantasizing, or however you like to masturbate. If you don’t like masturbating, have hot sex if you want. If you don’t like sex, skip to the next item.
6. Break some glass.
If you, like most female-identified folks, are struggling to break the glass ceiling in your career, I’ve got a witchy ritual for you. Literally break some glass. You can shriek, too, like a shrieking harpy! Break a wineglass or a vase (or a mirror if you’re not afraid of bad luck), in a literal and cathartic representation of that women-in-the-workplace metaphor. Smash some glass with glee — then get a man to clean it up.